I prayed for God to break our hearts and open our ears as our Pastor spoke during our youth group tonight. It is something I pray often as I end a worship set, and it's something I often want to happen for my teens. Most of the time, I think the messages are received well, but being teenagers, most of the kids forget what the lesson was about 5 mins after the prayer.
But tonight, as Pastor Toby spoke about Satan, I sat in the back and had tears slipping down my cheeks. He was talking about how Satan confuses humanity with false ideas to keep them from Christ (1 Timothy 4:1-3 and Ephesians 6:16 if you want to check the references) and then he talked about how he could spend hours doing something for God and it would be successful and great and then as he walks home, his thoughts are that he is stupid and worthless and it was pointless to waste his time. He talked about how he can't trust his thoughts because they often are in direct opposition to the truth of who we are in Christ. The false ideas we have about ourselves have poisoned us to the point that many people won't even come to accept Christ's love in their lives because they are so indoctrinated with the lies they believe about themselves.
I realized I truly believe lies about myself. I believe things that are brutal and vicious and even posting them here seems unthinkable. For you to know my shame, my weakness, my self-hatred is unbearable. Because at the core of my being, I do know who I am.
I am loved. I am accepted. I am a daughter of the King. I am chosen out of the world. I am worth more than many sparrows. I am made in the image of God. I have been hemmed in, before and behind. My days are all known, the hair on my head is numbered. I have a place, a home, a true love.
I may never be thin, beautiful, successful, married. I may never have any money, live anywhere but my high school bedroom, do more than take care of other people's children. I may never know what it is like to have my dreams come true or get to be like everyone else. I may always have to remind myself every day not to be sad, I may have to fight for joy, strive for peace, and pray weeping on my bed as I fall asleep. That may be what my life is going to be like.
The voice in my head telling me that I am unlovable, worthless, useless, an ugly miserable mess...that voice is a lie. That voice is not truth. That voice is not even me. That is Satan whispering to me to give in, to give up, and to crawl back into bed and never come out. I am no use to God when I am consumed with my own self pity. And that's where I have found myself lately. Tonight was a great wake-up call.
I reject that voice. I reject those thoughts. Tonight, I am declaring war on the lies. Declaring war on the enemy. I am renewing my vows to the Love of my life, the Savior of my soul. I am running to the truth. Run with me.
