On Purity Culture and Abuse

Edit: Christianity Today has removed the article. See the new post here.

Warning: This post is about sexual abuse in the church. Please know that I do not wish to offend anyone, so if you are easily offended, stop reading. Also, if sexual abuse is a trigger for you, please read at your own discretion. 

 

There is a lot of talk on the interwebz currently about feminism, about rape culture/purity culture, and about how leadership and Christians should be dealing with it all. I have been both anxious and apprehensive to jump into the conversation.  On one hand, I do have a lot I want to say about women’s roles and leadership, and how the Church deals with sexual abuse and purity culture, but on the other hand, it’s terrifying to speak up. I don’t feel qualified in a lot of ways to publish a blog post and declare my opinions to the world, but more than that, I think some feathers might get ruffled when I do. That is my biggest concern in this issue--offending someone I care about by speaking up. But here we go anyway.

You see, I have never been raped or sexually abused, but I have dear friends who have been. I have seen what it has done to them, sat with them as they cried, held their hands as they recounted their stories. I have heard beautiful, precious women say they are ugly, worthless, and broken because they were victims of molestation or rape at the hands of men that were supposed to protect them.

Tears, screaming, self mutilation, loneliness, isolation, years of depression and counseling, broken families…this is what it means to be a victim. There is no victim privilege--despite what Washington Post columnist George Will wants you to believe, no woman in her right mind goes out in search of being raped.

The problem is that I also know a sexual offender. He served a few months in jail for molesting a girl who was just under the age of consent, and he was a pastor at the time. He is married and has kids and he is a great husband and father, truly he is a wonderful person now. But he groomed this girl for a relationship, and he manipulated everyone around him. I was in high school and when the shit hit the fan (pardon my French), I had no idea what to think.

I was furious at him

I was furious at her

I was furious at God

The situation turned ugly for a long time. My church seemed to fall into despair for a while. My family had been very close with him and his family, so in the messy confusion of the situation sided with him against the girl and her family.

I was trapped in the middle--she was my friend but they were my family.

For years, I just never thought about it. I didn’t want to think about it. I still don’t want to think about it. I had forgiven him, I had forgiven her, with conversations happening between me and both parties. I thought the situation was far and away in my past. It didn’t happen TO me, so why should it matter to ME?

Then this week, Christianity Today published an article entitled, “From Youth Minister to Felon” and my beautiful amazing feminist friends on twitter and facebook exploded in anger and outrage. It is a 6 page article written by a former youth pastor in prison talking about his “affair” with a student in his youth group and how his “adultery” tore apart his marriage and ruined his life and career.

Never once did he call it rape. Never once did he talk about how it ruined the girl’s life or how it affected the girl’s family and friends, or tore apart the church. Never once did he take responsibility for his actions, instead he blamed it on not feeling appreciated at home. It read a bit like a warning to pastors not to get caught, or at best it seemed like a priming for this man to find his way back into the ministry once he is out of prison.

Since publishing the article a few days ago, the backlash has been tremendous and the editors have added a note trying to make up for the fact that they published the article, but it feels like too little too late. 

I can't help but feel like the blind eye I've turned towards my feelings about the situation in my past is forcing itself open even though I don't want it to--because it exposes some dark truths about myself. I spent so much time telling my beautiful, precious friends who were victimized in their lives that they are worthy of love and redeemable and made whole, but deep down I bought into the lies of purity culture. Purity culture that is virtually indistinguishable from rape culture.

The lies that say once it's gone, it's gone. Can't be a virgin twice!
She was asking for it. Look how she's dressed!
She knew better. She's 16 years old. Please.
It was her fault. She could have said no at any time or told someone and it would have stopped.

The realization that these are the thoughts I have had hit me like a ton of bricks. ME? Think like THAT?! Are you kidding?! I would never think that about a victim of sexual abuse....until I think back to my first encounter with sexual abuse and I realize: I was groomed too. I was groomed to believe those things. Growing up, through middle school, high school, throughout the situation....these are the kinds of things I've heard my entire life.

Slut shaming and victim blaming....

But no more. 

Now I want to stand with victims. I want to stand with those who are too ashamed to speak up, too afraid to voice their opinions--against rape culture, against abuse, against patriarchy. I am proud of my friends who were once victims and are now standing tall. They are now wives and mothers, strong and resilient, living amazing lives that are no longer marked by VICTIM.

I stand with the redeemed. I stand with the former abusers who have changed their ways. I am proud of my friend for the person he is now and for how he took responsibility for what he did. I am proud of his wife for who she is and how she handled herself during the situation. I won't abandon those who have fallen but I won't do it by shaming the victims. 

That's the hard part. Finding the thin line where we love and help the abuser while fulling supporting and ministering to the victim. There can't be an either/or mentality in the Church. To me, that seems to be the biggest problem in dealing with sexual abuse.

We have to find a way to bring Light to this dark part of Christianity. It is a cancer destroying us. It was the cancer destroying me, and I didn't even know it.  If you want to read more, here are some articles you might find interesting.

Because Purity Culture Harbors Rape & Abuse By Suzanne Paul

My Innocence Was Stolen From Me  By Michael J. Murray

Leadership Journal, Christianity Today, and #TakeDownThatPost by Samantha Field 

No Really, #TakeDownThatPost : An Open Letter to Christianity Today & Leadership Journal By Bethany Suckrow