It's an interesting phenomenon being at this stage in my life.
I feel torn between these two very powerful and very loud contradicting inner voices and I find myself swinging like a pendulum back and forth depending on the moment.
One voice tells me that I am a colossal failure. I have royally screwed up figuring out my life, who I am, who I want to be, what I am going to "do" for the rest of my life, and getting my-ahem-shit together. The voice tells me that I wasted my time in college doing things like being on student government and acting/directing shows when I really should have been concentrating on what career I wanted to do and losing weight (it is always reminding me that I should have been losing weight, and now that I am well on my way to my goal, it tells me to just give up because there is no point) and finding some poor idiot to marry me and carry my emotional baggage for me because clearly it is too crippling for me to handle and look at the mess you made and way to go, you finished all the seasons of 30 shows on Netflix, but your novel is still unfinished in your head, and you never went to grad school like you said you would...or Germany for that matter...or Ireland, or New York, or ANYWHEREANDNOWYOUWASTEDYOUR20SANDYOUAREBASICALLY30ANDITSALLOVERYOUFOOL!!
Deep Breath.
That voice reminds me that my friends are married, or almost engaged, some of them with children, most of them with amazing careers and awesome houses or apartments. I'm in my high school bedroom. My social life is laughable, and that voice wonders why I have any friends anyway! I sure wouldn't be my friend. Looosserrrrr.
But.
The other voice says why?
Why do I have to have it all figured out?
Why do I have to go into debt to live on my own?
Why do I have to have a job I HATE to make more money when I love the job I have now?
Why do I feel like I am less of a woman, less of a person, less valuable because I'm not married and not dating? Why is that such a bad thing? Why is there so much pressure on me to have to be with someone? Why isn't it enough for me to be me on my own? Can't I find someone in my own time, without whispers of my sexuality in question, without feeling like I am a second rate citizen, without worrying about my future? Why can't I live my life as a confident single woman now?
That voice tells me to shut out the hurtful things I hear, sometimes from the people closest to me, and fight for what I want. Fight for the things I am passionate about. It means sacrificing things I am not ready to give up and going through some painful things, but if it means I will be happy in the end, then I am going to do it. This voice tells me to live like I am beautiful, to live like I am worth loving and fighting for, to ignore the self hatred that the other voice throws at me. This voice reminds me of how far I've come, rather than of how far I need to go.
I will never have it all figured out. I don't think I ever want to. But today, I am going to listen to the voice that tells me to hang on and fight. Perhaps you struggle with the same inner voices that I do...one whispering defeat and one encouraging you to carry on. Don't give into defeat.
Carry on, wayward son.
