It's Official: I am a Failure.

We decided to do a 5k at the end of May. I don't know why, other than it's the Color Run. AKA the super fun 5k where they throw colored corn starch at you and you laugh and the video has break dancing and lots of happy people and by george, we want to be happy! So one of my best friends, Heather and I said yep. We are going to do it.

Now, when I said I wanted to do the Color Run, I should have said I wanted to do the Color Mosey or the Color Shuffle...and should have emphasized that I only run if there are zombies chasing me or a child is in mortal danger. But mistake number one was signing up for the Color Run. Mistake number two was agreeing to actually run. Let me clarify...I use the word "run" very very loosely here. Anyone who has ever seen me knows that there is no way in heaven or on earth that I would ever be able to just pick up running as hobby. Oh no no, do not be deceived Oh Interwebz, I am, let's just say, generous when I use the word "run." It's more like a deformed dog trying to hop on just three legs or an injured half-eaten antelope trying to escape the jaws of a lion. In other words, it's barely more than a walk and it's pathetic and gross and I probably should just be quarantined for the benefit of society.

However, we have begun our training and I figured that I would blog about it for a few reasons...first, I am so pathetic and whiny about it, I thought someone might find my pain and agony enjoyable. Second, when I inevitably snap a leg or my knee needs to be replaced, I'll have a record of why to look back on. (Hey stupid, remember when you thought this was a good idea? Hope you like your new bionic knee! PS-What color is your hair now?) Third, stranger things have happened but I have been told that it gets easier? I think they are liars and I am going to die, but who knows....maybe I will actually be able to run someday. (HAHAHAHA I just cracked myself up...I will never be a runner...)

Our first day was on Friday and I whined the entire time, I thought my lungs would collapse, and I thought I would die. But I made it. My legs were on fire all of Saturday, but today I woke up and I was ready for round two you guys. Seriously ready for round two. I was determined to run, determined to stick it out and not whine (as much). Yeah. Turns out we got about 10 minutes into our run (we are doing the Couch to 5k program) and my body just shut down. My shins felt like they were going to snap, my lungs were not taking in any air, my head was pounding, my left knee was shaking (I injured it 4 years ago and it hasn't been the same since) and I had to stop running. I felt horrible and I almost burst into tears. I would have it I would have had any energy. Thankfully Heather is marvelous and saintlike and even though she used to run track and cross country and could run the entire 5k no problem without me, she walked with me and we actually finished the same time that we did when we ran the day before. Go figure.

Here's the moral of the story. I think I've figured it out. I am a failure. I just don't do things right. Ever. I have big ideas, big plans, and good intentions and I screw it up. Every. Single. Time. I mean, common. The couch-to-5K program is made for non-runners and I can't even do that! I literally could not run another step. And when I use the word "literally" you know I mean it, because I don't use that word lightly. I know it was only our second time running, but that's just it...it was ONLY our second time running! I don't say any of this from a dark place or from a pitying place. Don't worry, I am not defeated, I am not giving up--I'm just stating my truth.

My name is Deanna and I am a failure. I am so glad that I have a Savior who loves me anyway.

On Purpose...

I haven't posted in nearly two months. Not because I forgot about my blog or because I didn't have anything to say. In fact, I haven't stopped writing at all. I have just stopped posting. On purpose.

There are a lot of people who expect things from me. Expect me to know the answers or fix their problems or speak some sort of wisdom about a topic because I generally do that sort of thing. But I've found myself pulling back from all that. On purpose.

I've been feeling very secluded lately (which to be fair, isn't anything new. This creeping feeling of abandonment and loneliness is truly my fatal flaw) and normally I can shake it off, but instead I have been doing a lot of examination of the situations I have led myself into. I used to believe that I had just happened to find myself in drama-filled situations with people who had issues and were taking them out on me and it wasn't my fault. Each time I was in a new situation I found myself wondering HOW I could be in this place again. And now, once again, I am in a place that tensions are high and feelings are getting hurt and I am finally realizing that the common denominator is me. I haven't been the victim of dramatic situations exploding around me. I've been lighting the fuse.

I have leadership qualities. I recognize that. But possessing those qualities doesn't mean that I should be a leader. Maybe being a leader means stepping down. Walking away. Maybe being a leader means leaving and starting over. I don't know what being a leader means because in the two years that I have been a leader, I haven't gotten much right. I know that I'm judged for the way I look and some of the things I say and do, and I can't change that. I don't want to change who I am so other people will feel more comfortable. I don't fit their idea of what a Christian should look like. But can I let you in on a little secret? I do that on purpose.

I read an article (6 Things You Might Not Know About Me) that has stuck with me and I have wanted to make my own list of things based off of Darrell's premise. If you are too lazy to click the link (and let's face it, aren't we all!) the article is a friend of a friend named Darrell posting 6 things that he hides because he fears the Church would judge him. The article is fantastic and just like Darrell is done being defined by his list, I want to be done being defined by mine. So, I'm going to give you my list.

1. I have 4 tattoos and 14 piercings.
2. I love zombies (such as The Walking Dead), vampires (Team Buffy not Twilight), and Doctor Who.
3. I have no problem with swearing. And here's why.
4. Most Christian music is intolerable to me.
5. I believe that most of the Christians I've encountered have no idea what it means to worship.
6. I truly believe I will never get married.

I could go ahead and explain each of these, but really, I don't have to explain myself. I know some of you might want to fight me on these and that's okay. You can go ahead and judge me but I don't want to hide who I am even though the Church says I should. Even if it makes me a terrible leader, or means I can't be a leader anymore.

I don't know what I need to do next or who I am supposed to be or how to get there. What I do know is that I am a daughter of the King, created to love and worship Him, and the rest is all details. I've never been much good with the details. I'm more of a big-picture kind of girl. I guess it's time to start zeroing in on the fine print and figure out my next step. I know it includes Jesus and I know it includes doing things on purpose.