When Lightning Strikes

 This is the second part to my last short story. It is not a linear story, but it takes place many years later in the same field. I don't want to explain away the metaphor I used, so hopefully you can see what I was trying to get at when I wrote it. If not, let me know and I'll try to paint a better picture.

Lightning strikes.

The clouds billow in, darkening the once bright sky. Thunder rumbles in the distance. The rain begins to fall. It's slow at first, just a few fat drops scattered over the landscape. They begin to fall faster, spreading thin as they fall and the ground begins to moisten. With one loud thunderclap, the heavens open. The downpour of water comes like a thief in the night. Unexpected, deadly, and leaving the earth below defenseless. Soon, puddles gather in the indents on the well worn roads and walkways. They begin to merge, join together and the rain seems to fall twice. Once as it hits the puddles and then again as the splash and ripples collide. The lightning is terrifying, and the illumination from the strikes makes the darkness look like dawn. The water rises and the rain continues to fall. It falls faster, as if seeing the flood waters rise fuels the clouds to pour down more.

More vengeance, more anger, more pain.

 Eventually the rain begins to slow. It was inevitable that the precipitation in the air couldn't last forever. As the rain ceases, the clouds dissipate and the lightning and thunder rolls on with the swiftly drifting clouds. The sky becomes clear once again.

But the ground? Oh, the ground.

It's destroyed. Wrecked, bruised, altered permanently--never to be returned to the state it was before the rain fell. The ground can try to fix itself but that is not in its power. And the poor people can try to put the ground back in shape but their efforts are useless. There is no hope for the ground. It's ruined. And every time the rain falls, it will further be desecrated. It's a shame, it's a crime, but it's nature. It's life at its finest. It's the name of the game.

The tree that stood in the middle of the field, the old gnarled tree--it is split in half by the lightning. Its leaves are floating in the flood water, its branches are broken and swinging in the fading wind. It will be dead within a few weeks; this tree which has stood guardian for years is now destroyed by forces beyond its control.

And that's how it goes doesn't it? He will never know that their secret playground as children is now a flooded wasteland and she will leave this place alone again. What good is there to look back now? It is better this way. Let the dead bury their dead. He has never looked back and neither will she. Summer is long gone. 

A Touch of Innocence

I wrote this over three years ago in a different blog I had in college and I was going through some of my old posts and I realized I still really like this little story. There is another story that goes along with it so I may post it in a day or so, but for now, I hope you enjoy this short story I wrote back in 2009. It's about a little girl and a little boy who are young and carefree and just beginning life.

They stood at the edge of the field, staring at the vast open space before them. Holding hands, not yet reaching 5 feet tall. Her red dress was swaying in the wind, his black hair was getting in his eyes. The sky was blue--the kind of blue that takes your breath away. Tiny pure white clouds dotted the sky, the sun shone brightly over the expanse before them. There were trees far in the distance, marking the edge of the forest they were never allowed to enter. But right in the middle, looming over the rest of the vegetation in the field, was a lone tree. It was old, curvy, and at the point of decay. But it was tall, majestic in appearance, aged by harsh winters and pelting rain, scorched by the hot summer sun. This tree was the guardian of the entire field.

She liked to think the other trees were watching it while it sang out its wisdom and praise. He pretended that tree was leading the rest of the forest in battle. There was no one for miles in front of them, only their houses behind them. No one but that tree. Without that tree, they would have gotten lost exploring the field many times. They always went back to the tree, seeking it out during their adventures. This place was their playground, their kingdom, their life.

Today was the first day of summer. School was over, life was about to begin. They breathed in the air around them, tasting the pollen and dust. With one glance back at their side by side houses, and one at each other, they began to ran. They ran as fast as they could, hands swinging in the wind. As they whipped past the wildflowers, the colors blurred together. Blues, violets, greens, yellows...they swirled together, almost indistinguishable in the rush of adrenaline. Their laughter broke through the wind and they collapsed at the base of the tree, breathing deeply. The air was so pure and clean, it filled their little lungs and brought more laughter to their faces.

The day, the summer, their lives had just begun and they would always look back to this day as the most innocent time in their lives, unaware of what was to come.

Under Waves

        I fall under waves of sadness sometimes. I find that I can't shake it, I can't fight it, and I can't get over it. I have to just live it. I have spent years living this way. You name the remedy, I've tried it...but I have to endure. I have to let go of trying to control my emotions, trying to force myself to be happy or thankful or joyful and just be.

       I've come to realize that my emotions are like an ocean. Deep and scary, powerful and overwhelming, an unending expanse of water and waves. Water is necessary for life, just like emotions are an important part of living. But it is so easy to drown when you aren't prepared for the water you are thrown into isn't it? It's the same with emotions--when you are pulled into a wave of emotions you can so easily drown under waves of sadness, anger, anxiety or fear. The more you struggle when you are drowning in water, the more likely you are to lose air faster and drown quicker. When you struggle against your emotions, fighting them and trying to "fake it til you make it" you are so much more likely to be become bitter or depressed because of the prolonged nature of your emotional state. I know this because I've lived that way for years, and it's nearly destroyed me. I have spent years pretending I was okay, never dealing with my emotions, never allowing myself to feel them and allow them to work themselves out and what happened in the end was I bottled them up and let them collect to the point where I was destroying myself from the inside out. I let my emotional struggles define my behavioral habits that now define who I am. At almost 25 years old, I will spend the rest of my life battling the physical ramifications of those emotional problems I stored up as a teenager.

    I fall under waves of sadness sometimes. And now I close my heart around the sadness and feel it in every fiber of my being. I let it have free reign in my mind, I let it take over for however long it needs to be there. Sometimes it's just a day, sometimes, like right now, it's much longer. But it always goes away because in the end it is not meant to be my emotional base. It just pulls me under every now and then so I just take a deep breath, stretch out, and float until I reach the top.

Anatomical Reflection

     Body image. This is the curse of the world we live in. We are all too fat, too ugly, too short or too tall, not tan enough or too dark, our hair is too curly or too straight, our eyes aren't the right color, our teeth aren't the right size or shape, our skin is all wrong, our hands are gross, our nails don't grow right, we aren't skinny enough, strong enough, hot enough. All of us. You are reading this and you are thinking of your own flaws that are screaming at you when you look in the mirror. I am writing this with my own flaws screaming at me to delete this and go eat some candy and hide under the covers and never ever ever EVER come out again because oh my word have you looked in a mirror today? I am disgusting and I should be shot and then cremated so no one has to see me in an open casket. Body image. Ain't it a treat?

    I read something on my good old friend Facebook the other day, and I knew that I wanted to post it here and then talk about it. My friend Jessika shared it and I have no idea who wrote it, but I'm going to post it here anyway. Credit goes to the anonymous source of the interwebz I guess.

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"
The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on CDs. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.
Mermaids do not exist.
But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?
Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.
At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.
We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?!

    I read that and it made me smile. I highly doubt it is a real story...I'm sure it's just another viral story made up to be passed along to make women like me feel better about themselves, but by george, it is working! I am so unbelievably tired of listening to my girl friends...my gorgeous, super skinny, head-turning, flawless friends... sit around and complain every time we get together about how they need to work out more, or how they couldn't possibly eat another tiny square of brownie because they are on diet, or how they are getting fat and need to workout more, how they need to eat better and find more recipes, and oh yeah, how they really need to workout more. I just sit there and stare at the floor, trying not to either scream or cry, praying that time will speed up so I can go home. I hate to admit it, but I find it hard to accept invitations to do things with them when I'm feeling especially self-hatey (yes, it's a word...I just made it one) and in fact I will avoid going ANYWHERE if that's the case. There is nothing more humiliating than being with a group of skinny people talking about how much THEY need to workout when all I can think of is how much they must be judging me. I would like to believe they aren't, because I know that they love me for who I am and for the things we have been through, but I feel so condemned when I am around people who focus so much on their own body image. I want my focus to be on my heart and my walk with God, and anytime my focus starts to shift to my body image things turn ugly really fast (pun?).

     I know I'm not alone in feeling this way either. So many of my teen girls are struggling to feel normal in their own bodies, whether they are overweight or underweight or somewhere in between, regardless of whether or not they have acne, or curly hair, or are average height, or any other physical description you can come up with. In the culture we live in, none of us are good enough. And the girls are not alone...the boys are faced with the same things are we are!

    Why are we so pressured, as children of God, to fall into these traps? Why can't we rest in the knowledge that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) and created in the image of God (Genesis 1:26-28)?  I want to challenge you to flee from any thoughts of self-hatred that bind you and run to the truth of who you are in Christ. I know it's hard to be flawed when everyone around you not only seems perfect, but also seems to be judging you for all your imperfections, but be strong and take heart...there is a reward coming. And the reward will be worth it all. More on that reward soon...

Fairy Tales and Ever After

     I have a thing for fairy tales. I'm sure it started when I was little. In fact, I couldn't tell you when it started because I have no memory of NOT loving the Disney princesses, not wanting my Prince Charming to fight off a dragon that was actually a witch, and not wanting to wear a crown at all times. I can sing you every song from just about every Princess movie (except Princess and the Frog. That movie sucked.). I can literally quote all of Beauty and the Beast (no joke, all of it. Line for line along with the movie...it's probably my most marketable skill).  I even dyed my hair Ariel red about 6 months ago because it's something I've always wanted to do.

   As I've gotten older, my taste in fairy tales have shifted just a little to the darker side of the stories. What were the original stories not the watered-down Disney versions? Like did you know that in the original story of Cinderella, her stepsisters cut off parts of their feet to get them to fit in the glass slipper? Yikes. And in the Little Mermaid, Ariel doesn't lose her voice, Ursula cuts out her tongue. Awesome right? Oh and she doesn't get to marry Prince Eric...he marries someone else. And she, as a human, watches him get married and then is so distraught, she jumps into the sea and drowns herself. Not exactly family friendly...  And how about Sleeping Beauty...now THAT is disturbing. While she is sleeping from a prophesy, not a curse, she is raped and gives birth to twins. One of the babies sucks on her finger and it removes the flax keeping her asleep...not exactly the glorious awakening Disney gave her is it? I could go on for days about other stories, but you can google original versions of fairy tales if it interests you.

   Now, I'm not here to tell you to stop watching Disney movies, or to stop reading fairy tales or anything like that. I love fairy tales. I have countless books on fairy tales and there is nothing I don't like about them. I love the original versions, the classics we all know, and new modern twists. (Once Upon a Time on ABC anyone?!)

    Here's the point: I grew up (and I'm willing to bet that YOU grew up) being fed a healthy diet of fairy tales. Your prince will come, dreams do come true, whistle while you work, hakkuna matata and all that jazz. But the truth is that life isn't like a fairy tale. And that is a good thing. (Especially considering the original stories are gruesome and horrific!!) There is no fairy godmother, there are no magical mice and birds to clean your room (bummer), and there won't be a rich, handsome prince who fights fire and evil on his valiant steed to save your sorry butt after he sees you once from across the room. Let's be honest--that would be creepy. Dude, you don't know me. Who told you my name? Where did you get that horse? How did you know where I live? Why do you have a sword? What do you mean you killed a witch for me? No, I don't want to get on your horse actually, horses are terrifying. Why are you wearing a cape? Should be you wearing tights in this type of weather? I could go on, but you get the idea. Creepy.

     Fairy tales are awesome. But that's just it. They are just fairy tales. If you live your life expecting to find yourself in a princess world, you are going to be disappointed. Our happily ever after doesn't come in this world. We are called to live here now and wait for the reward. Our path is not easy, but the reward is great. More on that later. And this time, I won't wait a month to post again! :-)

The Curse of Facebook...

Have you ever had an experience where there is someone, or a number of people, in your life that you want to say things to, but you know that you can't? (Spoiler, I'm about to...)

       This is how I feel when I am on Facebook. Silly things like people posting about a musical artist I don't like (If I see one more post about how "talented" Taylor Swift is, I may throw up...) to political status updates that you either disagree with and commenting on would start a fight, or that you agree with and commenting on would shockingly enough--start a fight. (By the way, I do my very best to NEVER comment or post my political viewpoints, though I am outspoken about them in person....)  Then there are the posts that make me cringe, like posting statuses one day about how much you love your beau and the next day you hate their &^#*#&^#& guts. Or the 53432 posts of the girl in the mirror holding her Iphone making a pouty face. I have to bite my tongue, stop myself from making snarky comments, and many times, block them from my mini-feed.

     Then there are the whoa-is-me, my-life-sucks, everyone-pity-me, cry for attention posts that get under my skin. Especially when posted over and over again by the same person, who when people comment encouraging things, blow them off and heap more pity onto themselves. This is where I usually get in trouble.

       I consider myself a somewhat compassionate person. I definitely know people who have more compassion than I do, but especially when it comes to my teens at my youth group, I love them and want them to succeed. But I've been finding that it seems like I am hitting my head on a brick wall, and anyone that works in ministry knows this feeling, but you sit down with a teen, give them advice, and they come back in a month asking for the same advice. Um, didn't I just tell you how to deal with that situation? Okay, let's try again. Then two weeks later... Seriously? Again? Are you going to listen this time? Okay no problem, here's the advice again, let me write it down. Then a month later, they stop coming to you and you see them floundering in the same mistakes and you pull them aside, ask if you can help and boom. Head---meet brick wall.

      Facebook seems to be a place where people don't think before they post, it's the self-center capital of the world, (Ha, says the girl posting a blog about her life...) and even though you are under your own profile, there is still a huge wall of anonymity, so many people (adults and teens included) feel like they can say and post whatever they want to post without any consequences.

      I'm here to say: No, you cannot post whatever you want. No, you cannot say whatever you want. And Yes, I will comment on your Facebook status teenagers of mine if I think it's inappropriate or obnoxiously self-pitying.

     Block me. De-Friend me. Go for it. But I am calling you all out, Fuel teens. I am calling you out to be a generation of better Facebookers. And I am guilty of this too, so I'm joining you in this challenge too. Let's be a group of people that uplift each other on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and on your blogs (Which by the way, I can and DO see and read. So yeah. Some of you should really reconsider what you post. And should consider deleting some websites.).

    Facebook is a both a blessing and a curse. Without it, I wouldn't be able to keep in touch with some of my friends from high school and college and see their adorable babies, or talk to my brother in Kuwait, or geek out about Doctor Who with my fellow Whovians. But it's a curse because it starts so many fights, and causes so many issues of jealous and dissension where there shouldn't be any issues. Maybe some of you need to shut down Facebook for a while, rethink how and why you post. What's the purpose? Are you trying to get attention from people? Are you updating people on your life? More importantly, who is getting the glory on your Facebook page, you or God?

    November has become the month of being thankful and recognizing the good things in your life and praising God for those things. Perhaps as followers of Christ, living under vows to Him, we need to live that way all the time.

An Addendum to the 12% post

       I want to make a clarifying statement to my last post. If you are a follower of Christ who has had sex before marriage, I do not think you are some sick psychopath that is gross and yucky.  In fact, I think you are a fallen sinner, just like me. I think you've made mistakes, you have regrets, and you've got to realize that you can't continue living your life however you want and expect God to forget about it just because everyone else is doing it or because you "love him/her." Just like I make mistakes, I have regrets, and I have to realize that I can't live my life ignoring God. There is this crazy thing I see happening all the time where a teen will either "slip up" and have sex or be forced into having sex for the first time and then because they are no longer a virgin, they give up completely and just dive into a sexual relationship head first. They think (or at least they act like they think) that since they already messed up, that it's like a free pass to go ahead and keep on having sex and carrying on doing whatever they like. Or they think that they can never be forgiven, so they give up on God. I want to set the record straight. You can be forgive, redeemed, and restored.

The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.  By His power God raised the Lord from the dead, and He will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with Him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6: 13-20
  
Do not be misled: "bad company corrupts good character." Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God--I say this to your shame. 1 Corinthians 1:33-34

Let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. 2 Corinthians 7:1
  
You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. James 4:4

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

   
        I long for the day I get to see Jesus. I can't wait to be held by the Man who died to save me. Me! I am selfish, loud, outspoken, sarcastic, evil, and rude...I am mean and judgmental and I have an attitude problem. But Jesus loves me anyway. And you may be reading this thinking, "But I have a sexual addiction, a drug problem, I'm an alcoholic, I'm a liar, I am XYZ..." but I am here to tell you that Jesus died for you. He paid the price for you, so that you can be redeemed. And if you have fallen from grace and are not a virgin anymore and at 15 years old are brokenhearted because you feel like you will never be good enough again, I want you to know that you don't have to be good enough. Jesus already died for your sin. Turn away from it, don't continue down that path, run back to God, and you will be made new. Come join the 12% with me...it's a beautiful place to be. For those caught in other sin, there is redemption and forgiveness waiting for you too. God never promised it would be easy to live the Christian life, but it will be worth it. 

On being in the 12%

***This is a blog about sex and dating. If that is going to make you uncomfortable, stop reading now. I will not be graphic, instead, I promise to be witty, intelligent, and share my feelings about the topic openly and honestly. You have been warned.***

       As a youth leader, I spend most of my time talking to my teens about their boy/girl problems. It's a natural thing that is inevitable in youth ministry, and thankfully, my core group of teens are a cut above the rest and I am so blessed to have these young adults in my life that are truly seeking God's will for their lives and will truly listen to godly advice with open hearts. I've been anxious for a few days, knowing that this blog would be my next one, and I've been putting it off. It's going to be a little bit brutal for some people to hear. There are parents of my teens that read this, my parents read this, my siblings read this (Hi Scott!), my teens and friends read my blog, and I hope there are people who have never met me that are reading right now. If that's you, brace yourselves. I am a 24 year old virgin.

GASP! SHOCK! WHAT?!?! ***Falls over out of the computer chair, hits head, gets up, rereads the sentence, falls again***

     Yes, I am coming out the closet. I, Deanna, am a proud, unashamed virgin. I know, I know, I am as rare as the dinosaurs in this day and age, I bet some of you don't even KNOW any other 24 year old virgins. I read an article a year ago in Relevant Magazine and it broke my heart.  Here's the link, if you'd like to read it yourself, but I'll summarize it for you (because, let's face it, most of us are super lazy!)The Secret Sexual Revolution

      The article has a statistic about young adults that shocked me. 88% of unmarried young adults (ages 18-29) are having sex....and in the Christian world, the number is 80%. Um, I'm sorry what? You are telling me that in the secular world, 12% of people are not having sex before marriage for whatever reason, but in the Christian world, where we are commanded to remain pure and have one sexual partner for life that we are married to (Matt 19: 4-6), the number is only 20% who are actually following it?! Yeah, something is severely broken in the Church if we aren't addressing this.

       My own youth group is struggling with this, and my heart is breaking watching some of the young men and women throw away their bodies and make the choice to have sexual relationships outside of the perimeters God designed. And we have been conditioned to be offended when someone tells us that we are wrong or that the things we are doing need to stop, so what happens is that we run from the Church, we run from God and we run from people that want to help us because it's humiliating to admit that we are wrong.

     I watch my beloved teens, my dear friends, my family members, move from relationship to relationship seeking something to fill the loneliness in their lives, but no matter how many partners they have, it never will be enough. But if you are desperate and lonely and obsessed with the opposite sex and finding someone to date/love you, then you are setting yourself up for a colossal failure. You will NEVER EVER be complete or feel satisfied in your relationship...no matter how "hot" the other person is, how much sex you are having, or how many people you go through to try and get there. We aren't at 50% looking to find our other or better half. We need to find someone to support us not complete us. The goal is to be at 200% when you are together. That can't happen when you are in a sexual relationship with no life commitment and no spiritual connection. God has to be the center of the relationship for there to be true joy, true love, and true completeness. How can that happen in a sex-crazed one night stand, or a relationship built on lust?

       God's design for relationships is a lot harder than how the rest of the world lives (Eph 5). One man, one woman, one lifetime? That's crazy. I mean, seriously, the amount of hormones coursing through our bodies is just not fair for our generation to have to wait until our 20s to get married. At least in Bible times, they got to marry at 15 so they didn't have to worry about waiting until marriage. Sure, they had arranged marriages, no plumbing, way too much hard labor, and the plague, but it's a tradeoff I guess. Each generation gets it's own set of problems huh? God designed marriage to be something amazing, but we messed it up as we always do. We introduced dating onto the scene and with it a whole bucket full of regrets and issues. I've started reading a new blog and it's quickly become my favorite. This post has stuck with me and the more I read it, the more I am broken by it. Take the 5 minutes and read it. It will give you a whole new perspective on dating and boundaries. Cool Your Jets and Embrace Your Role

      Sex is such a touchy subject for most people, but I have no problem talking about it or the reasons why I abstain from having sex. And even though my faith is first and foremost the reason why I will remain a virgin unless I get married, I have to be honest and say that even if God were not in my life, there are about 435 health reasons why I would not have sex with multiple guys anyway, so when I give my little sex rant to my teens, they get both sides of the coin. I've watched way too many people destroy their lives with sex in some way or another and now that I have some measure of influence, I plan to be vocal and unashamed about promoting abstinence, even if it means offending people who are actively participating in sexual relationships. I've seen God bless marriages of people that wait for marriage, I've seen Him restore people that have made mistakes in the past, I've seen Him give strength to those who are fighting sexual addictions, I've seen Him do amazing things through people that are in the 12%. I am one of them. My prayer is that you are too. 

A Challenge...

     There is still a way back from this. All is not lost. You have not ruined your life, you have not lost your chance at forgiveness. There is hope for your pain to cease, there is joy to be felt again.

     So often I talk with my teens and though they may never say it, they seem to believe that with one mistake, or one missed opportunity, they have condemned themselves. Instead of turning and running back to Jesus, we continue to live in sin and ignore the conviction and pull of the Holy Spirit to draw us back to Himself. We give up on Jesus so quickly because it's too hard, it's too painful to sacrifice our temporary pleasure for eternal rewards, and it's too difficult to deny ourselves what our flesh wants when everyone around us is living lives that so dishonor God and are encouraging us to do the same. But when we fall, when we fail, it's not an excuse to sin more, or walk away, or fall into despair. It's a chance to rely on grace and accept that God loves us despite our failure.

     Simon Peter is one of my favorite examples of this. Jesus told him that he would fail. He told Peter in Luke 22 after Peter stated that he would forever follow and love Him that Peter would betray Him. He says in verses 31-32, "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." These verses have become two of my favorite in all the Bible because they have so much content that has strengthened me. 

First, Satan directly is wanting to tempt Peter here, but notice that is says he asked. So it shows that Satan cannot do anything to Peter without God's permission. That's encouraging because let's be honest...if Satan had his way, I'm pretty sure we would all be trapped in some giant cosmic game of Saw having to cut our own limbs off just to escape only to fall into a pit of spikes and then have to crawl out through a tunnel of salt or something. It would not be pretty. But Satan has to ask for permission. This reinforces 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." I don't know about you, but this brings me great comfort when I think about trials and temptation...knowing that God has agreed to allow me to go through it, and that He will provide me a way out.

Secondly, Jesus prayed for Peter. How amazing is that? I mean, if I want anyone in my prayer circle praying for me that my faith doesn't fail...it's Jesus! Peter had the Son of God praying that his faith wouldn't fail. And I recognize that some might say that it DID fail because he denied Christ...don't worry, we'll get there.

Third, WHEN you turn back, strengthen your brothers. I love this. WHEN. Not if. Not maybe. Not if you get around to it. WHEN. Here's the thing. Jesus knew Peter would deny Him. Just a few verses later, Jesus told Peter, yes you WILL deny me three times. But. WHEN you turn back. He knew Peter would turn back.

So, here's why this is my favorite. What if Jesus hadn't prayed for Peter? What if He had never told Peter that He was praying, or that he would turn back?

 Think about it this way: You are Peter, and for three years you gave up everything to follow this Man, and you KNOW He is God, and you watched Him get arrested and beaten, just like He told you He would. You've watched Him heal the sick, feed the hungry out of nothing, walk on freaking WATER. You KNOW He is God. And now, He tells you that you are going to deny Him? Fat Chance. But then, in the chaos of the arrest, in the crowded mass of people, you are terrified. You've seen what they've done to Him, the blood, the wounds, the pain, and you are alone in the square. All the other disciples are gone, and you just want to see Jesus. There is so much blood. The sight is overwhelming, the stench is unbearable, the people are violent, angry, and not satisfied with the beating He has already received. The blood spilled on the ground still isn't enough. They want more. Someone notices you. "HEY! YOU!" Angry, violent eyes turn to you, rough hands grab you. Your heart stops, and before your brain can process, your survival instinct takes over, not once, not twice, but three times. You scream, you plead, you deny. You turn away weeping, the crowd jeering at you, a sniveling man. You clearing can't be a follower of the Man bleeding in front of them. No follower of Jesus would behave like this. You sink to the ground and crawl to a corner.

STOP. Two scenarios. In one, you weep because you know you can never go back. You can never speak Jesus' name again. You should have stood up and died for Him. You manage to escape to your house where you hide for the next three days. You hear of Jesus' resurrection, but you can't bring yourself to see Him. Your joy is overshadowed by your guilt and shame. You live out the rest of your life in shame and hiding, condemning yourself for your mistake.
In the second, you fall to the ground and weep as you look up and see Jesus. Your mind flashes back to His words, just hours ago. WHEN you fail. I prayed for you, that your faith doesn't fail. Strengthen your brothers. You hang your head and as the tears fall, you feel a peace wash over you. You look up and Jesus is smiling at you. He nods, and you know you are forgiven. You stand on shaky legs and go back to find the other disciples. You wait out the days, anxious for His return.

     Peter is the founder of the modern church. His faith in Jesus despite his colossal failure brought about a movement that saved millions. Do you get it now? Has it hit you yet? Your mistake, your failure, your sin...it's not the end of you. Don't let it be the end of you. Peter could have walked away from Jesus. In our world, he probably would have...but he knew Jesus was praying for him, and that he had a responsiblity to strengthen his brothers.

      I challenge you to accept your failure, make it right, turn away from it, and run to Jesus. My prayer for you is that your faith won't fail, and that when you do turn back, that you will strengthen your brothers.

This Dove's Overture

    I maintain that I am easy to figure out, once you have navigated through the tangled web of my emotional mood swings, deduced what my musical flavor of the month is, and can successful determine if I am being sarcastic or pithy at any given moment. Really it's not that hard, if you have a magic eight ball, a shield, and somewhere to hid in case you are wrong. Oh, wait...that's right. I forgot for a moment, I am completely insane and should probably come with a warning label. So consider this your warning label, your guide to get to know me better, your ticket to impress me with your intricate knowledge of things that make me tick. Ready? No? Me either...


      Here are some things to know about me as I begin a journey blogging through my life under my vows to God and you hopefully travel through the journey with me. As I mentioned in my last post, I am 24 years old, single and yes, still living with my parents. Yippee. I graduated with a Bachelors degree in communication arts with a theatre concentration from Judson University in Elgin, IL in 2010, and I am a nanny for two families with three kids each. I will probably be talking about the kids in future posts, so there will be more to come about them later, I'm sure. I spent a year working in a pharmacy and I will probably rehash some stories from that journey. I spent 4 months living in New Jersey as a live in nanny to three boys who were crazy and funny and so cute, and while I miss them a lot, I mostly miss the fact that I got to visit my oldest brother Scott and his wife, Kara and daughter Emma every weekend. Scott is my half-brother (11 years older) and he's in the army, currently serving in Kuwait on his 4th tour of duty. Emma and Kara live on base at West Point, NY where my bro taught for the past three years. I have an older sister as well, Danielle. She and her husband, Jarod live near my parents and I here in town. They have the worlds cutest dog, Tebow. You will hear a lot about Tebow. Get used to it now people. I adore Tebow. I plan to steal him and run away someday. It's bound to happen. Dani is in school to be a pharmacist and Jarod is going to be a cop. My dad works in Chicago doing something with metal? I don't know...people ask me all the time, I never really understood it. He's a tool and dye maker...google it. Whatever. My mom is a nurse. So there ya go, that's my family life. You will hear more about them later probably. Maybe. This is about me people. Let's focus.

      Key things:
--->Doctor Who. If you do not watch Doctor Who and we are friends, chances are I will force you to watch it at least once. If not more. I turned my youth group into a whole group of Whovians...we have parties at my house, I make DW related treats, it's epic. I will devote an entire blog to why I love Doctor Who later...I've been thinking about it for weeks. Did I mention I got the boys I nanny for addicted to the show to? Yep. I freaking love Doctor Who.
--->Zombies. I am so pro-zombies. The Walking Dead is one of my favorite shows. I am obsessed it with. In fact, as soon as I'm done writing this, I plan to curl up with a cup of coffee and watch it on netflix because the new season starts on Sunday and I can't wait that long. Go ahead and judge me. If zombies turn out to be real, you will come crying to me for help and I will laugh when zombies eat your face. (Okay, I'm not that mean, but if I was mean, I would.) I want to write a book about how if you can survive college you can survive the zombie apocalypse. I may preview it here. Get excited people. It's going to be a bestseller. And a movie.
---->Aaron Rodgers. I am in love with him. I will probably never get to meet him, he will never know I exist, and I will continue to watch him play for my beloved Packers every football season wishing that those beautiful baby blues were looking into mine, but by gum...I love him. He is my celebrity crush, my dream boat, the quarterback of my heart. Let's be honest, if I ever did get to meet him, I would giggle like a little schoolgirl and make a fool of myself. It's better this way...me watching him play the game, and him "living in the TV" as one of my kids says (he's four and insists I can't marry Aaron Rodgers because 1. He lives in the TV, and 2. I'm supposed to marry HIM so I can always be a part of his family. Adorable, right?!). Aaron, if you are reading this, and you have a thing for Jesus and Doctor Who, call me!
---->Music. Here's the thing. Spend any time with me at all, and you will hear me say, "OH! I love this song! It's my favorite!!" to just about every other song on my playlist/radio/cd. I have a lot of favorites. I can't help it. Mumford & Sons currently holds the top spot in my heart, but ask me again tomorrow and it will be The Script, or Florence & the Machine.  I love indie rock and roll, but I'm a sucker for top 40, and I love to dance so I'm all about it. I also love to rock out, so I enjoy screamo at times. I am a fabulous rapper, so I have to perfect my craft. I am totally emo at heart, so I have to listen to music that feeds my emotions. I love Jesus so the majority of the time I listen to praise and worship songs. I am an eclectic mix of music...a grab bag of things that just make my heart beat faster and if I like it I will listen to it.
---->TV. I love TV. I would love to write for TV, that's how much I love it. Shonda Rhimes is my hero and I would like to steal her life a little bit. If I were to list out all the shows I love, it would take forever.
---->Books. Same thing. I love to read. I read 4-5 books a week. Easily. It's more natural for me to read all night than to sleep. I will ready any and everything. I love to write, and reading is a natural extension of that.
---->Movies. I own more movies than a blockbuster. It's overwhelming really. And I'm a watch-a-movie-twice-in-one-day kind of girl. Like over and over and over. Movie quoting all day, every day. I am addicted to story. That's why I love TV, books, movies, music, even Doctor Who. They all tell stories. And I can't stop how much I adore stories. It's in my blood.
---->Facts. I have 14 piercings, and 4 tattoos. I know the piercing thing is overwhelming, but all but one is in my ear. I have my lip pierced, and then I have three piercings in my left cartilage and then 5 holes in each ear lobe. So no secret piercings or anything, but I don't often wear all 14 earrings anymore. It's overwhelming for most people. I love my tattoos, and I do plan on getting more someday. I have LOVE on my left wrist, 5 stars behind my right ear, LET GO on my right wrist and CHOSEN on my left foot.

I love to paint and craft and I taught myself to knit on YouTube.

I rarely stop singing, I usually sing things that don't even need to be sung, especially when I'm alone.

My hair has been black, white, fire red, orange, blonde, all shades of brown, this nasty greenish, and a weird pinkish. It's currently blondish. I had black hair a few months ago, and I'm transitioning to blonde again. I have a problem, and I'm okay with it. I like to change my hair color okay?!?!

 I am a major weeper. I cry to process things, when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm moved by something, when I'm angry, when I'm scared, when I'm nervous...you name the emotion, chances are, my first reaction is to cry. I generally can hide it pretty well, and thank God I am not an ugly crier most of the time (I'm not bragging...you know what I mean when I say "ugly crier" right? Like snot, and red face, and makeup all over, and dry heaving, and nasty? That's not me, I just have a few tears slip out. Very lady like. I think God knew how much I would cry so He blessed me with a pretty cry).

I am not a morning person. I do not like to be woken up in the morning, I do not like to be talked to when I'm getting ready, and I do not like to have anyone interrupt my routine. I like to have my music on, and shuffle like a zombie through my extensive makeup routine (so I don't look like I am a zombie) and hair shellacking process in peace. My dad has lived with me (apart from my 4 years in college) for 24 years. He still hasn't figured this out. It took my college roommates 2 days.



     So there ya go. A whole bucket full of facts for you to digests. I'm thinking the next post I'd be open to answering some questions, but I don't know how many readers I have yet. If you have a question, throw it in the comments and I'd be glad to answer it. It can be about anything...life, love, the pursuit of happiness. I'm an open book, so ask away! Also, if you like this blog, feel free to share it with your friends! (Shameless plug!)

The beginning.

          There are many beginnings in life. And many endings as well. You can't have one without the other can you? There is no light without darkness, no laughter without tears, and no joy without sorrow. Some people fear the end of things. I fear the beginning. The change, the uncertainty, the desperation for something good to happen. I don't think I'm alone in this fear. In fact, I think I am one of many. You may be reading this and nodding your head in agreement.

Yep, that's me. I like things to stay the same. I want to know what's coming, when it's coming, and why it's coming. I deserve that much in life.
               
              It's never that easy is it? We don't get to go through life knowing what is around every corner, controlling the outcome of each encounter we have like a video game or a badly timed daydream while you are class or during a particularly boring sermon or business meeting.  We are thrown curve balls, tragedy strikes, people die, we are betrayed, we are lonely, desperate for someone--somewhere--to just reach out and care.

         I am a youth leader to some of the most amazing teens on the planet. They fill my life with so much joy, laughter, and plastic forks in my yard that when I am with them I feel like everything in my life is complete. But I only get a few hours a week with these kids. Kids who are full of passion and love and they get it. Some of these kids truly understand what it means to follow Christ. And that is incredible and so encouraging to me. Getting to be a part of their experience learning about Jesus and the amazing things He's done and will continue to do is literally the best part of my life. But I've been struggling lately. For the past few months, I've been fighting hard to ignore feelings of insecurity and worthlessness, feelings of loneliness so deep that I haven't told anyone how bad it's truly gotten.

         This week everything seems to be crumbling around me, and I have never felt more alone. I have always had an incredible family to support me, and I don't know what I would do without them, but as far as friends who I've always depended on, there have been only a few who have reached out in the past few months. I don't blame the ones who haven't by any means. Everyone has their own issues and most people can't handle my level of emotional baggage-believe me. I have just been marveling at the way things in my life have been turning out and with the events of the past few days, God has been showing me that I have spent months pouring into these incredible teens and now when I am in desperate need of encouragement, it is coming from places I never expected. People I haven't talked to in years...from high school, from college, acquaintances really....have been texting, emailing, facebook messaging me. Even though they are not the people I would have expected to be praying, I am grateful that they have interceded on my behalf.

       So in honor of the people who are praying for me, even though I am still heartbroken, still insecure, desperately lonely, and crying out to God for answers, I know I can't give into the despair. I will continue to run to the Truth. I have made vows to live for Christ, to honor Him with my life, to praise Him through all things. His sacrifice will not go unwelcome in my life. I have vowed to trust Him, to seek Him, to serve Him, to sing His praise, to worship Him. I have vowed to share His love with the teens in my ministry, to show them how to live for Him by example above words, to live a life that is set apart from the world. I have made vows. And now, this is what my life looks like living under those vows.

      I want to be different from other single 24 year old women. They can be like bluejays. Flashy, identical, blending in together. They can flock together, stick together, do the same thing. They can dress the same, act the same, live the same. They can stay on the shore, living among the rocks and weeds, pushing themselves on the men around them to feel worth something. They can live the MTV life, have the Kardashian mindset. I choose to be different. I choose to be set apart, to follow the laws of Christ, not the laws of the E! fashion police. I want to be a dove on distant oaks.

Psalm 56

For the director of music. To the tune of “A Dove on Distant Oaks.” Of David.

¹ Be merciful to me, O God, for men hotly pursue me;
    all day long they press their attack.
² My slanderers pursue me all day long;
    many are attacking me in their pride.

³ When I am afraid,
    I will trust in you.
⁴ In God, whose word I praise,
    in God I trust; I will not be afraid.
    What can mortal man do to me?

⁵ All day long they twist my words;
    they are always plotting to harm me.
⁶ They conspire, they lurk,
    they watch my steps,
    eager to take my life.

⁷ On no account let them escape;
    in your anger, O God, bring down the nations.
⁸ Record my lament;
    list my tears on your scroll—
    are they not in your record?

⁹ Then my enemies will turn back
    when I call for help.
    By this I will know that God is for me.
¹⁰ In God, whose word I praise,
    in the Lord, whose word I praise—
¹¹ in God I trust; I will not be afraid.
    What can man do to me?

¹² I am under vows to you, O God;
    I will present my thank offerings to you.
¹³ For you have delivered me from death
    and my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before God
    in the light of life.