On Purpose...

I haven't posted in nearly two months. Not because I forgot about my blog or because I didn't have anything to say. In fact, I haven't stopped writing at all. I have just stopped posting. On purpose.

There are a lot of people who expect things from me. Expect me to know the answers or fix their problems or speak some sort of wisdom about a topic because I generally do that sort of thing. But I've found myself pulling back from all that. On purpose.

I've been feeling very secluded lately (which to be fair, isn't anything new. This creeping feeling of abandonment and loneliness is truly my fatal flaw) and normally I can shake it off, but instead I have been doing a lot of examination of the situations I have led myself into. I used to believe that I had just happened to find myself in drama-filled situations with people who had issues and were taking them out on me and it wasn't my fault. Each time I was in a new situation I found myself wondering HOW I could be in this place again. And now, once again, I am in a place that tensions are high and feelings are getting hurt and I am finally realizing that the common denominator is me. I haven't been the victim of dramatic situations exploding around me. I've been lighting the fuse.

I have leadership qualities. I recognize that. But possessing those qualities doesn't mean that I should be a leader. Maybe being a leader means stepping down. Walking away. Maybe being a leader means leaving and starting over. I don't know what being a leader means because in the two years that I have been a leader, I haven't gotten much right. I know that I'm judged for the way I look and some of the things I say and do, and I can't change that. I don't want to change who I am so other people will feel more comfortable. I don't fit their idea of what a Christian should look like. But can I let you in on a little secret? I do that on purpose.

I read an article (6 Things You Might Not Know About Me) that has stuck with me and I have wanted to make my own list of things based off of Darrell's premise. If you are too lazy to click the link (and let's face it, aren't we all!) the article is a friend of a friend named Darrell posting 6 things that he hides because he fears the Church would judge him. The article is fantastic and just like Darrell is done being defined by his list, I want to be done being defined by mine. So, I'm going to give you my list.

1. I have 4 tattoos and 14 piercings.
2. I love zombies (such as The Walking Dead), vampires (Team Buffy not Twilight), and Doctor Who.
3. I have no problem with swearing. And here's why.
4. Most Christian music is intolerable to me.
5. I believe that most of the Christians I've encountered have no idea what it means to worship.
6. I truly believe I will never get married.

I could go ahead and explain each of these, but really, I don't have to explain myself. I know some of you might want to fight me on these and that's okay. You can go ahead and judge me but I don't want to hide who I am even though the Church says I should. Even if it makes me a terrible leader, or means I can't be a leader anymore.

I don't know what I need to do next or who I am supposed to be or how to get there. What I do know is that I am a daughter of the King, created to love and worship Him, and the rest is all details. I've never been much good with the details. I'm more of a big-picture kind of girl. I guess it's time to start zeroing in on the fine print and figure out my next step. I know it includes Jesus and I know it includes doing things on purpose.