The beginning.

          There are many beginnings in life. And many endings as well. You can't have one without the other can you? There is no light without darkness, no laughter without tears, and no joy without sorrow. Some people fear the end of things. I fear the beginning. The change, the uncertainty, the desperation for something good to happen. I don't think I'm alone in this fear. In fact, I think I am one of many. You may be reading this and nodding your head in agreement.

Yep, that's me. I like things to stay the same. I want to know what's coming, when it's coming, and why it's coming. I deserve that much in life.
               
              It's never that easy is it? We don't get to go through life knowing what is around every corner, controlling the outcome of each encounter we have like a video game or a badly timed daydream while you are class or during a particularly boring sermon or business meeting.  We are thrown curve balls, tragedy strikes, people die, we are betrayed, we are lonely, desperate for someone--somewhere--to just reach out and care.

         I am a youth leader to some of the most amazing teens on the planet. They fill my life with so much joy, laughter, and plastic forks in my yard that when I am with them I feel like everything in my life is complete. But I only get a few hours a week with these kids. Kids who are full of passion and love and they get it. Some of these kids truly understand what it means to follow Christ. And that is incredible and so encouraging to me. Getting to be a part of their experience learning about Jesus and the amazing things He's done and will continue to do is literally the best part of my life. But I've been struggling lately. For the past few months, I've been fighting hard to ignore feelings of insecurity and worthlessness, feelings of loneliness so deep that I haven't told anyone how bad it's truly gotten.

         This week everything seems to be crumbling around me, and I have never felt more alone. I have always had an incredible family to support me, and I don't know what I would do without them, but as far as friends who I've always depended on, there have been only a few who have reached out in the past few months. I don't blame the ones who haven't by any means. Everyone has their own issues and most people can't handle my level of emotional baggage-believe me. I have just been marveling at the way things in my life have been turning out and with the events of the past few days, God has been showing me that I have spent months pouring into these incredible teens and now when I am in desperate need of encouragement, it is coming from places I never expected. People I haven't talked to in years...from high school, from college, acquaintances really....have been texting, emailing, facebook messaging me. Even though they are not the people I would have expected to be praying, I am grateful that they have interceded on my behalf.

       So in honor of the people who are praying for me, even though I am still heartbroken, still insecure, desperately lonely, and crying out to God for answers, I know I can't give into the despair. I will continue to run to the Truth. I have made vows to live for Christ, to honor Him with my life, to praise Him through all things. His sacrifice will not go unwelcome in my life. I have vowed to trust Him, to seek Him, to serve Him, to sing His praise, to worship Him. I have vowed to share His love with the teens in my ministry, to show them how to live for Him by example above words, to live a life that is set apart from the world. I have made vows. And now, this is what my life looks like living under those vows.

      I want to be different from other single 24 year old women. They can be like bluejays. Flashy, identical, blending in together. They can flock together, stick together, do the same thing. They can dress the same, act the same, live the same. They can stay on the shore, living among the rocks and weeds, pushing themselves on the men around them to feel worth something. They can live the MTV life, have the Kardashian mindset. I choose to be different. I choose to be set apart, to follow the laws of Christ, not the laws of the E! fashion police. I want to be a dove on distant oaks.

Psalm 56

For the director of music. To the tune of “A Dove on Distant Oaks.” Of David.

¹ Be merciful to me, O God, for men hotly pursue me;
    all day long they press their attack.
² My slanderers pursue me all day long;
    many are attacking me in their pride.

³ When I am afraid,
    I will trust in you.
⁴ In God, whose word I praise,
    in God I trust; I will not be afraid.
    What can mortal man do to me?

⁵ All day long they twist my words;
    they are always plotting to harm me.
⁶ They conspire, they lurk,
    they watch my steps,
    eager to take my life.

⁷ On no account let them escape;
    in your anger, O God, bring down the nations.
⁸ Record my lament;
    list my tears on your scroll—
    are they not in your record?

⁹ Then my enemies will turn back
    when I call for help.
    By this I will know that God is for me.
¹⁰ In God, whose word I praise,
    in the Lord, whose word I praise—
¹¹ in God I trust; I will not be afraid.
    What can man do to me?

¹² I am under vows to you, O God;
    I will present my thank offerings to you.
¹³ For you have delivered me from death
    and my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before God
    in the light of life.