So Write...

My best friend sent me a text last night. It was really simple, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. She said to me, "So write."  Let me back up...

For the past few months I have wanted to do something that would truly be detrimental to myself. It would ruin my life in a lot of ways and even though I realize this, that fact hasn't stopped me from wanting to do this unnamed thing. (No, I am not going to tell you what this thing is. It's just not going to happen.)

 I have been talking to her about this thing I have wanted to do, and she--being a woman of wisdom and insight--has advised me against doing this thing. She consistently reminds me to avoid the thing I wanted to do, pulling me back into the reality of the situation, guiding me back into joy and lifting me out of despair. She has been a source of light in this dark part of my world and for the past few weeks during the midst of my crisis she was a constant source of truth. Her texts to me said things like:

You are good enough. 

You are too hard on yourself.

You are going to be okay.

Give it time.

Wait for it. Stop chasing it so hard.

Take it one step at a time, and everything will fall into place. Don't rush it.

This past week I was at the point where I had mentally made the decision to go ahead and do the thing I wasn't supposed to do, the thing that my best friend advised me against, the thing that would probably ruin my life. But before I did, I remembered my best friend. And the things she has been saying to me. And I stopped myself. I walked away from the situation and I called my best friend. I left her a voicemail saying that this toxic, poisonous thing that we had been talking about for months was over. Maybe it's not over forever, but for now, it's over. She text me back.

I am so proud of you.

Thanks. I feel empty now. Such is life I guess.

I sent the reply and carried on with my evening. She didn't respond for a few hours. Maybe she was busy, maybe she was giving me time. I don't know, but I'm glad for the delay in response. It was 10:30pm and I was just settling into bed for the night. My phone went off and when I read those two words I knew that this was a person who knows me. 

So write.

That's exactly what I plan to do. My best writing comes when I'm empty. And through the chaos of everything happening in my job right now, I do feel empty. And this is the time to be writing. Thank you, best friend, for reminding me where my heart lies and how to fill the emptiness again. It's in filling a blank page with words. That's how I cure the emptiness in my soul, the desire to ruin my life by making stupid choices, and take the edge of the anxiety of my job. All it took was my best friend to text me something so simple to remind me of my path in life. 

I don't know what you need to hear. I don't know what you are struggling with, fighting for, pushing against, or denying in your life. Maybe you are in the same boat as I am. You want something you know you shouldn't want, and you need to make a choice. Maybe you don't have anyone encouraging you, or maybe you just aren't listening. That's okay. I just want to tell you to listen to the rational part of yourself. Run to the people who know you, who love you, who are going to tell you the truth--not the people who are going to tell you what you want to hear. Follow the advice given to you--even though it is painful, hard, and unfair--so you can be free. So you can live apart from the desire of the thing you should-not-want-but-you-want-anyway. So you can begin to redefine who you are apart from that thing. And then actually BE apart from that thing. Maybe you don't know how to live without that struggle in your life. I get that. 

So write.

When It Is One Of Those Days...

Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to go the opposite of how you wanted and expected it to go?

You get angry emails. You run out of time. You fail to communicate properly. You lose patience. You aren't very kind. You are starving for lunch and then by the time you get to eat you feel sick for hours afterwards. You say stupid things in front of your boss. You can't hide your inexperience anymore. Everyone can tell you are overwhelmed. Everyone knows you are in over your head. You are not doing a very good job---at hiding it, at faking it, at anything really. You embarrass yourself in front of the people you are trying to impress. You wore the wrong outfit. You choked on your snack. You can't answer anyone's questions...even though they are the same questions from last week. You still don't have the answers, you still don't have the results, you still don't know what you are doing.

You drive home, and you think---WHAT AM I DOING?

I should quit. I should pack a bag, move to Colorado, change my name, and never come back. I should crash my car. I should just keep driving. I should go home, get my dog, and drive to Canada. 

The rock in the pit of your stomach doesn't go away, the anxiety builds, you try not to cry, try not to blow up at your family. You try to pretend everything is fine. It's okay. Just watch TV, take a bath, write a blog post. You fight through the waves of sadness, the waves of panic, the familiar pull of despair that you've fought for so many many years. You talk yourself in and out of doing insane things, like chopping off all your hair, or branding your skin with hot metal just because you can. You realize that you are being insane and so you lay on your bed and stare at the clock.

The numbers flip. Fours turn to fives. A six to a seven. The red lines start to blur as your eyes cross. Is it a respectable time to try and go to sleep? 10pm. You decide to read your favorite book and forget about this awful day. You slip into the world of make believe and allow the real world to start to fade away. You fall asleep, wrapped tightly in your blankets, tension filled and anxiety ridden. And even though you are still alone, still a failure in your own eyes, and all the things of the day are still true, you have a chance for peaceful dreams. And when you wake up, it will be a new day.

When it is one of those days, sometimes all you can do is hold out for tomorrow.

Cha...Cha...Cha...Changes

I've gone through some huge changes the past three months.

• I am no longer a nanny. It was the hardest decision I've ever made. I miss my kids, but I still get to see one family once a week so that is really great.

• I teach Drama at my alma mater, CLS, and with that comes directing a play and a musical. It is the most overwhelmed I have ever felt and every day I question my choice to take the job until I'm with my students. They are the 35 best kids I could have hoped to teach, and I am loving teaching them and seeing them tap into the potential they have been holding inside for years. 

• I have my dream car, a 2006 Jeep Liberty Limited. Her name is Huckleberry Quinn and she is legit. 

Some things haven't changed. 

I still live at home. I still spend all my time with my puppy, Duffy--mostly because he is the only one around/that wants to spend every waking moment with me (although to be fair, he wants to spend time licking up my nose and in my mouth...so maybe not true love?) and I'm okay with being with my Duffster all the time. I am still glaringly single, still racked with insecurity and self doubt (always great qualities when starting a new job that is overwhelming, by the way...), and still fighting waves of depression as often as the clouds go by.

Life is both drastically different and painfully the same. It's a weird place to be.

I find myself sleepless at night, always thinking of things I need to do, anxious about how I can possibly get things done, and worried about being the right person for the job. I'd like to now type an uplifting paragraph where I realized that God put me where I am and of course I can handle everything and obviously I'm loved and enough and worth it...but I'm just not there yet.

I'm not at a place where I can honestly say that I can handle it all.

I can't say I feel loved, or enough as I am, or even worth loving.

I feel like I'm not only going to fail, but constantly letting everyone's expectations down. I have these shoes to fill that are placed on this unattainable pedestal and there is just no way to compete.

So I'm not going to.

I am okay with failing. I am okay with not being good enough. I am okay with never being loved like the fairy tales or how I see my friends being loved. If I screw up royally at this job and everyone hates me, well...bummer.

What I AM going to do is this: I am going to put on two kick ass shows. I am going to teach these kids everything I know, the best way I know, and I will not pretend that I'm someone I am not.

I am me, I am not perfect, and I have a job to do. Enjoy the show.