When It Is One Of Those Days...

Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to go the opposite of how you wanted and expected it to go?

You get angry emails. You run out of time. You fail to communicate properly. You lose patience. You aren't very kind. You are starving for lunch and then by the time you get to eat you feel sick for hours afterwards. You say stupid things in front of your boss. You can't hide your inexperience anymore. Everyone can tell you are overwhelmed. Everyone knows you are in over your head. You are not doing a very good job---at hiding it, at faking it, at anything really. You embarrass yourself in front of the people you are trying to impress. You wore the wrong outfit. You choked on your snack. You can't answer anyone's questions...even though they are the same questions from last week. You still don't have the answers, you still don't have the results, you still don't know what you are doing.

You drive home, and you think---WHAT AM I DOING?

I should quit. I should pack a bag, move to Colorado, change my name, and never come back. I should crash my car. I should just keep driving. I should go home, get my dog, and drive to Canada. 

The rock in the pit of your stomach doesn't go away, the anxiety builds, you try not to cry, try not to blow up at your family. You try to pretend everything is fine. It's okay. Just watch TV, take a bath, write a blog post. You fight through the waves of sadness, the waves of panic, the familiar pull of despair that you've fought for so many many years. You talk yourself in and out of doing insane things, like chopping off all your hair, or branding your skin with hot metal just because you can. You realize that you are being insane and so you lay on your bed and stare at the clock.

The numbers flip. Fours turn to fives. A six to a seven. The red lines start to blur as your eyes cross. Is it a respectable time to try and go to sleep? 10pm. You decide to read your favorite book and forget about this awful day. You slip into the world of make believe and allow the real world to start to fade away. You fall asleep, wrapped tightly in your blankets, tension filled and anxiety ridden. And even though you are still alone, still a failure in your own eyes, and all the things of the day are still true, you have a chance for peaceful dreams. And when you wake up, it will be a new day.

When it is one of those days, sometimes all you can do is hold out for tomorrow.