Cha...Cha...Cha...Changes

I've gone through some huge changes the past three months.

• I am no longer a nanny. It was the hardest decision I've ever made. I miss my kids, but I still get to see one family once a week so that is really great.

• I teach Drama at my alma mater, CLS, and with that comes directing a play and a musical. It is the most overwhelmed I have ever felt and every day I question my choice to take the job until I'm with my students. They are the 35 best kids I could have hoped to teach, and I am loving teaching them and seeing them tap into the potential they have been holding inside for years. 

• I have my dream car, a 2006 Jeep Liberty Limited. Her name is Huckleberry Quinn and she is legit. 

Some things haven't changed. 

I still live at home. I still spend all my time with my puppy, Duffy--mostly because he is the only one around/that wants to spend every waking moment with me (although to be fair, he wants to spend time licking up my nose and in my mouth...so maybe not true love?) and I'm okay with being with my Duffster all the time. I am still glaringly single, still racked with insecurity and self doubt (always great qualities when starting a new job that is overwhelming, by the way...), and still fighting waves of depression as often as the clouds go by.

Life is both drastically different and painfully the same. It's a weird place to be.

I find myself sleepless at night, always thinking of things I need to do, anxious about how I can possibly get things done, and worried about being the right person for the job. I'd like to now type an uplifting paragraph where I realized that God put me where I am and of course I can handle everything and obviously I'm loved and enough and worth it...but I'm just not there yet.

I'm not at a place where I can honestly say that I can handle it all.

I can't say I feel loved, or enough as I am, or even worth loving.

I feel like I'm not only going to fail, but constantly letting everyone's expectations down. I have these shoes to fill that are placed on this unattainable pedestal and there is just no way to compete.

So I'm not going to.

I am okay with failing. I am okay with not being good enough. I am okay with never being loved like the fairy tales or how I see my friends being loved. If I screw up royally at this job and everyone hates me, well...bummer.

What I AM going to do is this: I am going to put on two kick ass shows. I am going to teach these kids everything I know, the best way I know, and I will not pretend that I'm someone I am not.

I am me, I am not perfect, and I have a job to do. Enjoy the show.