For the past few months I have wanted to do something that would truly be detrimental to myself. It would ruin my life in a lot of ways and even though I realize this, that fact hasn't stopped me from wanting to do this unnamed thing. (No, I am not going to tell you what this thing is. It's just not going to happen.)
I have been talking to her about this thing I have wanted to do, and she--being a woman of wisdom and insight--has advised me against doing this thing. She consistently reminds me to avoid the thing I wanted to do, pulling me back into the reality of the situation, guiding me back into joy and lifting me out of despair. She has been a source of light in this dark part of my world and for the past few weeks during the midst of my crisis she was a constant source of truth. Her texts to me said things like:
You are good enough.
You are too hard on yourself.
You are going to be okay.
Give it time.
Wait for it. Stop chasing it so hard.
Take it one step at a time, and everything will fall into place. Don't rush it.
This past week I was at the point where I had mentally made the decision to go ahead and do the thing I wasn't supposed to do, the thing that my best friend advised me against, the thing that would probably ruin my life. But before I did, I remembered my best friend. And the things she has been saying to me. And I stopped myself. I walked away from the situation and I called my best friend. I left her a voicemail saying that this toxic, poisonous thing that we had been talking about for months was over. Maybe it's not over forever, but for now, it's over. She text me back.
I am so proud of you.
Thanks. I feel empty now. Such is life I guess.
I sent the reply and carried on with my evening. She didn't respond for a few hours. Maybe she was busy, maybe she was giving me time. I don't know, but I'm glad for the delay in response. It was 10:30pm and I was just settling into bed for the night. My phone went off and when I read those two words I knew that this was a person who knows me.
So write.
That's exactly what I plan to do. My best writing comes when I'm empty. And through the chaos of everything happening in my job right now, I do feel empty. And this is the time to be writing. Thank you, best friend, for reminding me where my heart lies and how to fill the emptiness again. It's in filling a blank page with words. That's how I cure the emptiness in my soul, the desire to ruin my life by making stupid choices, and take the edge of the anxiety of my job. All it took was my best friend to text me something so simple to remind me of my path in life.
I don't know what you need to hear. I don't know what you are struggling with, fighting for, pushing against, or denying in your life. Maybe you are in the same boat as I am. You want something you know you shouldn't want, and you need to make a choice. Maybe you don't have anyone encouraging you, or maybe you just aren't listening. That's okay. I just want to tell you to listen to the rational part of yourself. Run to the people who know you, who love you, who are going to tell you the truth--not the people who are going to tell you what you want to hear. Follow the advice given to you--even though it is painful, hard, and unfair--so you can be free. So you can live apart from the desire of the thing you should-not-want-but-you-want-anyway. So you can begin to redefine who you are apart from that thing. And then actually BE apart from that thing. Maybe you don't know how to live without that struggle in your life. I get that.
So write.
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