An Offensive and Controversial Post.

I don't want to be a Christian anymore.

Here's what my experience in Christianity has taught me recently:

-Women are only as important as their husband and children. If you aren't married, you just need to wait because someday your life will start and God has a plan for you and obviously that plan includes a husband and 2.5 kids. If you are married, it's time to start popping out kids, because that is your purpose, oh woman of the Lord. Women should be skinny, beautiful, hilarious but still quiet in spirit and never stir the pot in public or you will have no chance at getting a husband. Why don't you lose weight? Join a dating site? Go to a bigger church with a singles' ministry? Start your own ministry at this church? It's clearly not God's timing yet...aka God's fault...aka...now I'm blaming God...aka now I'm bitter...aka now I'm mad at the church...aka now I resent all my married friends... ((Do you see the cycle? And I'm not alone in this...))

-If you are gay, get the hell out. If you are a liar, a drunk, a porn addict, a hypocrite, a judgy-judger who gossips and judges....welcome! Here's a pulpit and a sunday school classroom, and a twitter account, and band of loyal followers who will defend you...just kept your mouth shut about your issues and pretend you are perfect and enjoy your day! Also, have fun gay bashing and causing an internet uproar every time a celebrity says something affirming or contradicting what you believe...go nuts! Throw the Bible at them! It's all in the name of Jesus! Hooray!

-Ignore the real problems in the world and focus on the insignificant issues in the church. Nepotism, favoritism, sexism, and racism run rampant in the body of Christ all while the poor go hungry, the homeless freeze to death, and sick die of preventable disease. Nations waste away and we bicker about the style of music in the freaking youth group.


I don't want to be a Christian anymore. This is not what I signed up for. This is not the life I want to live, the subculture I want to be a part of anymore.

This CANNOT be how Jesus intended us to live.
We are MISSING the point.
We have DESTROYED the name of Christ.
We have RUINED the identifier of "Christian."

"Christian" is now a lifestyle associated with hatred, judgement, hypocrisy, misuse of the Bible, offensiveness, patriarchy, and homophobia.  I am so tired of the fighting, the name-calling, the abuse of power...it has to stop somewhere.

I am done with all.
This is my declaration of independence from Christianity. I can't do it anymore. I can't call myself a Christian when I am not. I am not a Christian.

I am a lover of Jesus. I am a lover of Scripture, a daughter of God, chosen by the King to be different. Different from Christians, different from Atheists, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus...I was chosen to be a follower of the Gospel, of the Truth of Jesus.

Truth that is painful, offensive, wonderful, terrible, redemptive, and magnificent all at once. Scripture offends me every time I read it. It's supposed to hurt...we are told to put off our old nature and put on our new nature. We are to be refined by fire. Purged of the evil in our hearts. None of that is pleasant or easy, and whoever isn't offended by having to surrender themselves to God clearly hasn't tried to do it. Surrender is a painful process, one that we can't fake our way through.

The Church has been missing the point. We have become a place for fakers, pretenders, and liars. And I won't be one of them anymore.  I am a Lover of the Light. The Church has become a place where I feel broken and lost and alone, and I don't see Jesus in the fights of Christians or the patriarchy of Christianity.

Maybe you are offended. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you want to yell at me, you are disappointed in me, or you want to join me. I don't know where you are at in your life, but know this:

        The messages you have received from the Christian Church as a whole are not always the messages that Jesus has for you. Please don't think that God hates you just because someone with a WWJD bracelet says He does. You have value and worth beyond what you can imagine and a Savior who loves you so much that He died and came back from the dead to pay the price for all the lies, judgement, hypocrisy, and crap in your life that was keeping you separated from God. That's the important part....the plumbing of the house. Everything else is just fixing the paint. 

If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate.

Walk Away

She sat there with tears falling down her cheeks, trying to hide them from us.
She hid behind all the right excuses, all the right phrases, and had an answer for everything.
This fragile, brokenhearted girl wanted to be strong.
She wanted to be accepted, loved, and more than anything she wanted to let her guard down.

She found herself the punchline of every joke, the one who took the blame, and the one who finished last. Her best efforts were never good enough for the others, and though she gave them everything she had, they continued to use her and then throw her away when something better came along. She was abandoned time and time again, forced to walk alone through her pain, but desperate to connect to her friends...the same friends who took what they needed and walked away.

She was broken. She was hurting. She was asking me to give her permission to live like this.

\\\\\\\\

I've learned a lot about relationships in the years since leaving high school. Before I got to college, I thought I had the friendship thing figured out. I knew I had no clue how to do the boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but being friends? Um, duh, I went to pre-school! Twice! (I totally got kicked out the first time. I hid in the bathroom every day and my sister had to come get me out. They made me leave and wait a year. Coincidentally, in 7th grade, I also had a problem with hiding in the bathroom....but that's a different story!)

My experiences with friendships and relationships have taught me that sometimes you have to walk away. You have to choose to guard your own heart and move on with your life without the other person. And the decision to walk away is painful. The kind of pain that wakes you up at night, has you crying under your covers (or in the shower, in your car, under your desk, in the library, in chapel, in the cafeteria, in class....okay, you get the picture. I'm a major weeper.) and stops you from being happy. It cuts into your soul and your entire being is disrupted.

I have gone through this a few times in my life. Four times in particular. Four times that I've had to deliberately and consciously remove someone from my life. I've had friendships fade and relationships drift apart, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about times where these four people were people I considered best friends. In fact, even as I think about them, collectively and individually, remnants of the pain felt is washing over me. Waves of sadness, moments of anger, bitterness tainting the memories of joy, and an overwhelming feeling of regret that the situations didn't end up differently. Maybe the regret is only because one of those friendships I am walking away from is a bit more current than the others, but I fought so hard for those four relationships and they are gone.

I used to pray for those relationships, those fractured friendships.
Psalm 20:4 May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 145:19 He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them.
Obviously, I had a thing for self-righteous googling of the Psalms, taking things out of context, and using Scripture to my own advantage. Note to all readers: AVOID AVOID AVOID!

As my relationships crumbled and failed, I felt God abandoning me too. I felt alone, rejected, and unworthy. How foolish I was, how blind, how wrong!

The path I had planned for my life would have placed me with any one of those four people next to me as my best friend or my lover or my true love or my soul mate...whatever my mind cooked up at the moment. But God knew the bigger picture. He knew the life I would have planned for myself would have trapped me, it would have caged my potential, and would have led me away from the people I am with now. Could things have turned out great? Sure, probably...I'm a hoot and a half! But I am convinced that THIS is the place God wants me. I answered the call to walk away. And now I am giving it.

\\\\

I look at her and tell her what she does not want to hear.
You have to walk away.
I can't.
If I can do it, so can you.

I see a moment of resolve in her eyes for the first time. She is going to be alright. It is a hard road to take, but she will not walk it alone ever again. 

Life with Duffy

Friends, loved ones, loyal readers,

You may have noticed my absence from my blog recently. I truly apologize for that and I would like to go on record to blame the new man in my life. Yes, that's right. There is a new man in my life. He has stolen my heart, he has swept me off my feet, and he has filled the hole I had in my life. He is truly my best friend, my love, and my soul mate in many ways. I would like to introduce you to him.

This is Duffy:

Here he is at about 6 weeks old, about 2 weeks before we brought him home. He is a Yorkshire Terrier Poodle, or Yorkie Poo. My sister, Dani, has the same breed and her dog, Tebow, is Duffy's half brother. We like to keep it in the family, yo. (Forget I said yo.)
He was a mega-ginger when we got him, but as his hair grew out it got lighter and lighter, except for the black on him. He is so cute you guys. Sigh.

This is Duffy (Sir Duffigan, as I like to call him...very Game of Thrones) at about 3 months before we buzzed off all his hair. I wish I was kidding when I say that the last good picture I have of him awake is the one above. I am not. It's sleeping or nothing, but I'll get there...

Here he is right after his haircut a few weeks ago. He just turned 5 months old yesterday, and he will stay under 15 pounds.










Let me tell you about life with Duffy, shall I? Because in these pictures, you see a freaking adorable puppy who you want to rip the head off and just smash into the ground because he is so cute. No seriously though, cuteness inspires aggression in people, epto facto--super violent reaction to Sir Duffigan. While we do have lots of cuddle time on the couch, me watching Bones on Netflix while he sleeps on my lap or on the back of my neck, the majority of my life with Duffy is sitcom worthy.

Here's a typical day (When I'm not working):
I awake to the sounds of whining and barking outside my door. Scratching, clawing, sniffing, crying, yelping...at the ripe hour of 5:30am. I get up, open the door and the attack begins. As I shuffle to the bathroom Duffy barks and jumps on me trying to bite my hands, feet, legs, pants...really anything so I will notice him. I wait until he is calm, then pick him up and greet him. His attack turns to my mouth and chin and hair and he licks and bites and flails around to let me know that indeed, yes, I am his very best friend. I love you too Duffy.

After I take him on a walk (where I fight him to be alpha dog, and he fights me to chase every leaf that dares threaten him, or worse...dares to come near ME), I have to hand feed him breakfast. On a spoon. Or he won't eat. Yeah, this is my life now.

Then we play on the floor for a while, usually me throwing the ball and then he will come back and wait for me to chase him around the house. If I don't chase him, he will go find something he know he isn't supposed to have, like mail, a tissue, my shoes, my mom's glasses, the entire toilet paper roll, you know, whatever is lying around and then I will be forced to chase him. I have no idea how to teach a dog to "leave it" or "drop it" so Duffy always wins. Jerk.

Then it's usually nap time, so we watch TV and Duffy sleeps (best time of my life!). He is so cuddly and adorable when he is tired. Those are the moments I try to remember when he is tearing apart my stuff or drawing blood on my hands...cuddle time. TEAM CUDDLE TIME!

Bed time is a real treat because when I'm ready to settle down for the night, he is ready to hump his girlfriend, a stuffed crocodile my best friend picked out for him. I named the croc Crikey and it is hilarious watching him go to town on that poor stuffed crocodile. The commentary my family comes up with is award winning...we need our own YouTube channel! Scandalous!

Since Duffy thinks my bed is bite town central, he doesn't sleep with me anymore, so I get to sleep in peace. Hallelujah. Oh did I mention that he likes to bite my hair and lick up my nose, pounce on my lip ring, lick the water and the lotion off my legs after a shower, bite my PJ pants every time I move, climb in my laundry basket and dig for socks, and hide his bones in my bed so I find them at night?

Boy do I love my puppy!!

You are Enough

Have you ever felt like you need to change who you are for someone? Not just your hair color or the way you dress, but the core of what makes you uniquely you? 

I have spent years battling myself. Wanting to just be me, and feeling the need to change every single thing about me to be more like someone else who was perceived to be better than I am. Someone prettier, thinner, quieter, more successful, smarter, things that I am not that I wanted to be because they are more valued than what I have to offer.

I don’t have a “real” job, I don’t have a husband or even a boyfriend, I don’t date, I spend my time with teenagers, and I am loud, excited and passionate about things. My laugh is obnoxious, I sing too loud, I am unashamed about my obsessions, I don't have a clean room or a clean car, I am not very fashionable, I want more tattoos, and I get along better with children than I do with adults and I don't understand why people make such a big deal about it!

I have been told all my life to be different. Don’t be so loud, don’t care so much, get a real job, join a dating service (maybe a gym wouldn’t hurt too),  hang out with people your own age, stand still when you worship, don’t be so opinionated about things…. I have heard it all. 

But the truth is God designed me to be passionate about Him and about people that need Him. And I spent my life putting that passion in other things because I didn’t realize that my personality was a good thing. I have always been told I wasn’t good enough because I am too much of everything. And now I see that God gave me too much so I could give it all away. All of this extra is to be used to pour into people. My entire life I have spent sad because I was missing the truth. I was trying to contain myself instead of spending that passion where God intended it to be. Now, I know why God put me where He did…THROUGH what He did…so I can be who I am today in a place to direct eyes off of me and back onto Jesus. My purpose is to pour into the people around me and if I didn't have the passion and excitement that I do I would never survive! I love the life I get to lead because God is using me to lead others to Him.

What are you denying in yourself that is meant to be used for Him? You are enough just as you are...in fact, you were designed just exactly for the things God has for you. Don't allow anyone to shut you down. You are enough.

A Declaration...

I prayed for God to break our hearts and open our ears as our Pastor spoke during our youth group tonight. It is something I pray often as I end a worship set, and it's something I often want to happen for my teens. Most of the time, I think the messages are received well, but being teenagers, most of the kids forget what the lesson was about 5 mins after the prayer.

But tonight, as Pastor Toby spoke about Satan, I sat in the back and had tears slipping down my cheeks. He was talking about how Satan confuses humanity with false ideas to keep them from Christ (1 Timothy 4:1-3 and Ephesians 6:16 if you want to check the references) and then he talked about how he could spend hours doing something for God and it would be successful and great and then as he walks home, his thoughts are that he is stupid and worthless and it was pointless to waste his time. He talked about how he can't trust his thoughts because they often are in direct opposition to the truth of who we are in Christ. The false ideas we have about ourselves have poisoned us to the point that many people won't even come to accept Christ's love in their lives because they are so indoctrinated with the lies they believe about themselves.

I realized I truly believe lies about myself. I believe things that are brutal and vicious and even posting them here seems unthinkable. For you to know my shame, my weakness, my self-hatred is unbearable. Because at the core of my being, I do know who I am.

I am loved. I am accepted. I am a daughter of the King. I am chosen out of the world. I am worth more than many sparrows. I am made in the image of God. I have been hemmed in, before and behind. My days are all known, the hair on my head is numbered. I have a place, a home, a true love.

I may never be thin, beautiful, successful, married. I may never have any money, live anywhere but my high school bedroom, do more than take care of other people's children. I may never know what it is like to have my dreams come true or get to be like everyone else. I may always have to remind myself every day not to be sad, I may have to fight for joy, strive for peace, and pray weeping on my bed as I fall asleep. That may be what my life is going to be like.

The voice in my head telling me that I am unlovable, worthless, useless, an ugly miserable mess...that voice is a lie. That voice is not truth. That voice is not even me. That is Satan whispering to me to give in, to give up, and to crawl back into bed and never come out. I am no use to God when I am consumed with my own self pity. And that's where I have found myself lately. Tonight was a great wake-up call.

I reject that voice. I reject those thoughts. Tonight, I am declaring war on the lies. Declaring war on the enemy. I am renewing my vows to the Love of my life, the Savior of my soul. I am running to the truth. Run with me.

A Tiny Post

Today after I led worship, someone I hadn't met before that has been attending our church for a few months told me that the way I worship, specifically the way I hold my microphone, is distracting and he thinks everyone should be uniform. He brought up Sesame Street's "Which one of these doesn't belong!" and told me that it was me. I tried to explain that I have been leading worship for over 10 years and that I hold the mic the way that I do because it is how I am comfortable since I can't have it in a mic stand. He then made a fuss about how he was going to get a mic stand for me every time I was going to sing from now on.

I walked away from that conversation (if you can call it a conversation...I feel like it was an attack. Maybe he didn't intend it to be an attack, but boy Satan sure used it to crush me today.) feeling like I will never set foot on stage again. I don't want to lead worship again. I am done. I am so saddened that time and time again I am judged for the way I look (READ: Tattoos and piercings) and how I worship when I sing that I just can't face getting on stage again.

But next week, I will show up. I will sing, just like I have over and over again. Because I am not there for that guy, or to impress anyone else. I am there to worship my God and lead others to the throne room of the King of kings. If he is so distracted by the way I hold a microphone, and it is such a big issue that my Pastoral staff asks me to step down, then I will leave willingly and humbly. But God has put in a place where I am called to sing, called to lead and called to worship.

Blank Spaces

For every stroke of my paintbrush I found myself more and more unsatisfied with my work. The shading wasn't quite right, the color was off, and I left my lucky paintbrush at home. (Yes, lucky paintbrushes are a real thing, you judgey-judger!)

I had to redo the same spot on my canvas three times before I was happy with it. And that meant waiting for the mistake to dry, painting over the look-what-you-did-you-turd spots to match the background which I stupidly used three shades of grey and three shades of blue in a blended ombre of sorts, then wait for that to dry...and THEN attempt to make an acceptable paint stroke. Yeah. Three times is a lot to have to do that process, believe me.

I don't consider myself an artist. In fact, when I am painting with people who have legitimate talent, I look at my own work and it makes me laugh. I am so unbearably amateur that if I didn't love to do it so much I would quit! But regardless of the final product and how childish it may look, when I'm in the actual process of painting, I don't care. It's not that I finally stop comparing myself to everyone else...it is that I finally stop caring that I don't "measure up" to how perfect the people around me seem to be. Taking a white canvas and filling it with color brings a sense of calm and focus I desperately need in my life. I find the same when I am ready to post a blog on here. (I know it looks like I don't post very often....I write a lot, I choose not to publish. It's a choice I've made. I think it's a wise one...)

The way the brush curves and color appears; the way the curser blinks and words appear; the way the blank white spaces disappear.

That is what I long for. I long to fill the blank spaces with something of beauty. Something that will inspire, impress, remind me of something I later that I desperately needed at this point in my life. I want to fill my life with things I have created so I will be surrounded by things that are not just beautiful to me, but that mean something. I could go out and buy much better art than the pathetic pictures hanging on my walls for very cheap, but with every piece I've created, I have crafted a part of myself into it. Each time I paint, there is a part of me that I surrender to the canvas and I want it to stay there. Sometimes it is something really painful that when I look at it, I'm reminded of how far I've come...sometimes it comes from a place of joy and I want to remember that just as much. I don't expect other people to enjoy my paintings the way that I do or even to like them. It is truly okay with me--just like I don't expect other people to enjoy my writing the way that I do. As long as I get to continue to fill blank spaces, I know I will always have moments of joy to look forward to no matter what else happens.

Is there something in your life that moves you like this? I didn't even talk about the way leading worship affects my soul, or the way a story can wreck my heart...or how just seeing a sunflower can bring tears to my eyes. My love of filling a blank space is enough for one night. I hope you are inspired to fill some blank spaces of your own....or to find the thing that makes your heart beat a little faster.

 

To Clarify...

*Just a note on my last post...I don't actually think I'm a failure. I was being silly. Sarcastic, funny, and just noting that I am not a running and it's near foolishness for me to even attempt to start running. I would hate for anyone to think of themselves as a failure because they think I believe I am a failure (You know that whole comparison game we all play? Yeah, don't do that!) so I just thought I would throw it out there that I was just being goofy in the last post. Read it again with that in mind and hopefully you will see what I mean. If not, well then I guess I'm a failure... Buh Dum Da! (<-- That was a slap stick drum roll thing)*

To clarify something about me...

I am a very specific type of nerd. And I prefer the term "Nerd" over "Geek" because I feel like "Nerd" has become socially acceptable and "Geek" still has negative connotations. Although, "geeking out" is a term I use quite often, I definitely consider myself my own brand of nerd.

I'm not a Treky or a Star Wars fanatic (although I do enjoy both!), I don't know very much about computers, I know almost nothing about math, (no really...almost nothing. It's quite sad...) and I wouldn't say I fit other traditional categories of nerd. But there are a few things about me that I love and I am not ashamed of...and it is my special brand of nerd. I thought in light of my running failure, I should share something I love about myself. And my Nerdiness is at the top of the list!

My particular brand of nerd is one that I have crafted over years of finding things I love and then obsessing over them until other people think I'm nuts. Yep, that's about it. Here's what I love:

• Books: I am a book worm. I love to read classic literature, post apocalyptic novels, fiction series, and really anything I can get my hands on that interests me. I usually don't just read the books I like once...in fact, I read them over and over again. My favorite books are worn out and I have memorized quotes and passages. I have stayed up until 5am reading, I have finished 500 page books in one sitting, I have even gone to midnight book releases before. I love to read you guys. Love love love to read.

• Movies: I own more movies than one person could watch in a year. I am a movie quoter and I can watch the same movie three times in one day. Think you recognize an actor or actress? I could probably tell you another film they've been in. Nerd alert.

• TV: Boy do I have a thing for my TV shows. I have my favorite TV shows on DVD and I am one of "those" people. The kind that talk about the show and dissect the plot and view the characters like they are real and cry with them. My crazy obsession shows are Doctor Who and The Walking Dead. Actually I could add Grey's Anatomy and The Office to that list too, but good golly, I could go on all day about my shows! Again...nerd alert!

• Music: If you saw my Itunes playlists or listened to what I listened to on a regular basis, you would be amazed at how often I can listen to just one song. You would also wonder why I have such a weird variety of music at any given moment. I love Top 40 and I love the most random obscure indie songs by artists you have never heard of...and everything in between. If I hear it and I like it, then I listen to it. And not just listen, I look up when and where it was written and by whom, and what the artist meant...and honestly it's all a bit...nerdy. 

That's just a tiny glimpse into my nerdy life...I have an obsession with context and story and that is reflected in the things I love. It's no wonder I am so nerdy about my passions...it's part of who I am. Finding the heart of the issue and learning people's stories is something I'm driven to do and I believe it is what makes me a good listener and a good mentor to my teens. God has given me this passion to dig deeper and dive into people's stories, and while I love to use it in my nerdy adventures, my calling is to use it with the people around me. And that's what I plan to do!

What has God given you to use? It may be time to look at what you love and see how you can use those same things to glorify God, or maybe you have been using what you love and you haven't even noticed. Stop and take some time to reflect today on the things you have been gifted. Who knows...maybe your own brand of Nerdiness is exactly what God is calling you to use!

It's Official: I am a Failure.

We decided to do a 5k at the end of May. I don't know why, other than it's the Color Run. AKA the super fun 5k where they throw colored corn starch at you and you laugh and the video has break dancing and lots of happy people and by george, we want to be happy! So one of my best friends, Heather and I said yep. We are going to do it.

Now, when I said I wanted to do the Color Run, I should have said I wanted to do the Color Mosey or the Color Shuffle...and should have emphasized that I only run if there are zombies chasing me or a child is in mortal danger. But mistake number one was signing up for the Color Run. Mistake number two was agreeing to actually run. Let me clarify...I use the word "run" very very loosely here. Anyone who has ever seen me knows that there is no way in heaven or on earth that I would ever be able to just pick up running as hobby. Oh no no, do not be deceived Oh Interwebz, I am, let's just say, generous when I use the word "run." It's more like a deformed dog trying to hop on just three legs or an injured half-eaten antelope trying to escape the jaws of a lion. In other words, it's barely more than a walk and it's pathetic and gross and I probably should just be quarantined for the benefit of society.

However, we have begun our training and I figured that I would blog about it for a few reasons...first, I am so pathetic and whiny about it, I thought someone might find my pain and agony enjoyable. Second, when I inevitably snap a leg or my knee needs to be replaced, I'll have a record of why to look back on. (Hey stupid, remember when you thought this was a good idea? Hope you like your new bionic knee! PS-What color is your hair now?) Third, stranger things have happened but I have been told that it gets easier? I think they are liars and I am going to die, but who knows....maybe I will actually be able to run someday. (HAHAHAHA I just cracked myself up...I will never be a runner...)

Our first day was on Friday and I whined the entire time, I thought my lungs would collapse, and I thought I would die. But I made it. My legs were on fire all of Saturday, but today I woke up and I was ready for round two you guys. Seriously ready for round two. I was determined to run, determined to stick it out and not whine (as much). Yeah. Turns out we got about 10 minutes into our run (we are doing the Couch to 5k program) and my body just shut down. My shins felt like they were going to snap, my lungs were not taking in any air, my head was pounding, my left knee was shaking (I injured it 4 years ago and it hasn't been the same since) and I had to stop running. I felt horrible and I almost burst into tears. I would have it I would have had any energy. Thankfully Heather is marvelous and saintlike and even though she used to run track and cross country and could run the entire 5k no problem without me, she walked with me and we actually finished the same time that we did when we ran the day before. Go figure.

Here's the moral of the story. I think I've figured it out. I am a failure. I just don't do things right. Ever. I have big ideas, big plans, and good intentions and I screw it up. Every. Single. Time. I mean, common. The couch-to-5K program is made for non-runners and I can't even do that! I literally could not run another step. And when I use the word "literally" you know I mean it, because I don't use that word lightly. I know it was only our second time running, but that's just it...it was ONLY our second time running! I don't say any of this from a dark place or from a pitying place. Don't worry, I am not defeated, I am not giving up--I'm just stating my truth.

My name is Deanna and I am a failure. I am so glad that I have a Savior who loves me anyway.

On Purpose...

I haven't posted in nearly two months. Not because I forgot about my blog or because I didn't have anything to say. In fact, I haven't stopped writing at all. I have just stopped posting. On purpose.

There are a lot of people who expect things from me. Expect me to know the answers or fix their problems or speak some sort of wisdom about a topic because I generally do that sort of thing. But I've found myself pulling back from all that. On purpose.

I've been feeling very secluded lately (which to be fair, isn't anything new. This creeping feeling of abandonment and loneliness is truly my fatal flaw) and normally I can shake it off, but instead I have been doing a lot of examination of the situations I have led myself into. I used to believe that I had just happened to find myself in drama-filled situations with people who had issues and were taking them out on me and it wasn't my fault. Each time I was in a new situation I found myself wondering HOW I could be in this place again. And now, once again, I am in a place that tensions are high and feelings are getting hurt and I am finally realizing that the common denominator is me. I haven't been the victim of dramatic situations exploding around me. I've been lighting the fuse.

I have leadership qualities. I recognize that. But possessing those qualities doesn't mean that I should be a leader. Maybe being a leader means stepping down. Walking away. Maybe being a leader means leaving and starting over. I don't know what being a leader means because in the two years that I have been a leader, I haven't gotten much right. I know that I'm judged for the way I look and some of the things I say and do, and I can't change that. I don't want to change who I am so other people will feel more comfortable. I don't fit their idea of what a Christian should look like. But can I let you in on a little secret? I do that on purpose.

I read an article (6 Things You Might Not Know About Me) that has stuck with me and I have wanted to make my own list of things based off of Darrell's premise. If you are too lazy to click the link (and let's face it, aren't we all!) the article is a friend of a friend named Darrell posting 6 things that he hides because he fears the Church would judge him. The article is fantastic and just like Darrell is done being defined by his list, I want to be done being defined by mine. So, I'm going to give you my list.

1. I have 4 tattoos and 14 piercings.
2. I love zombies (such as The Walking Dead), vampires (Team Buffy not Twilight), and Doctor Who.
3. I have no problem with swearing. And here's why.
4. Most Christian music is intolerable to me.
5. I believe that most of the Christians I've encountered have no idea what it means to worship.
6. I truly believe I will never get married.

I could go ahead and explain each of these, but really, I don't have to explain myself. I know some of you might want to fight me on these and that's okay. You can go ahead and judge me but I don't want to hide who I am even though the Church says I should. Even if it makes me a terrible leader, or means I can't be a leader anymore.

I don't know what I need to do next or who I am supposed to be or how to get there. What I do know is that I am a daughter of the King, created to love and worship Him, and the rest is all details. I've never been much good with the details. I'm more of a big-picture kind of girl. I guess it's time to start zeroing in on the fine print and figure out my next step. I know it includes Jesus and I know it includes doing things on purpose.

Drawing Lines in the Sand

I like to go to the beach every so often. Now, I'm not a fan of swimming so much as I am just sitting and watching the water or walking in the hard sand. Not the awful walk TO the water...that part is the worst. (Walking on squishy dry sand is miserable and a one-way ticket to me twisting an ankle. I'm just saying... Beach volleyball? You guys are so dumb. No thank you.) I like to watch the waves come in and wash over the sand. It's relaxing and makes me feel small...all my problems are so silly.

I went down to the coast of Alabama a few years ago with one of my best friends and her family. She has 4 kids and we packed up the van and away we went. While the car ride deserves it's own blog post (blowing out a tire in Elizabethtown, the baby Scarlett throwing up all over herself and my backpack, screaming children for hours on end...) I want to talk about what it was like to be in the water. We had a beach house literally steps from the Gulf of Mexico. We could see the oil rigs, there was debris from the hurricane on the beach buried under the sand, it was pitch black in the middle of the night. The stars took your breath away. I was swimming with the oldest kid, Jonah, and we were literally being pummeled by the waves. To be fair, we probably shouldn't have even been in the water. The waves were way over my head, we were clinging to each other as we were just tossed around like little ducks in a bathtub. It was awesome. We were laughing so hard, even though it was really scary at times. When we had finally swallowed enough ocean water, we laid on the sand and I picked up some beach wood and drew a picture in the sand. The waves kept coming and washing it away. I gave up, we went inside and moved on with our day.

We do that every time we go to the beach don't we? We use a stick, our finger, a rock, a shoe...and we write in the sand. A message we want to say, but it gets washed away every time. Even if we write it in the miserable-to-walk-in dry sand, it still won't remain. Sand is not a very good place to write things. It's probably the most temporary place I can think of to write something down.

And yet, when we are drawing boundaries in our dating lives, we seem to write things in the sand don't we? We have strong opinions about what we are going to do or not going to do with the opposite sex, but when the time comes to be firm about our boundaries, we suddenly find that they were written in sand and when we look back, they are gone. Or how about our boundaries for what we look at online (read: Pornography)? Or the substances we let in our lives like drugs and alcohol? Or what about our boundaries for the close friends we have?  I think it's easy to be general with your boundaries but when you don't set firm and concrete lines, you wind up with a fuzzy line in the sand that is blown away by the wind and water. Before you know it, you are doing things you said you would never do, living in a way you said you would never live, and now you have to go back and try to fix the mistakes you made when you didn't have to make them in the first place. God doesn't set rules and restrictions on us because He wants to control us, He places them on us to protect us from heartache and shame. You know that old adage, "It's better to ask forgiveness than permission" that I've heard my whole life? Don't believe it. It's better to not have regrets and to be called a loser than to ignore God's love for you by doing whatever you want in your life. I know that sounds harsh. I'm feeling the conviction in my own heart too. Boundaries are so important in our lives...so take some time and be specific with them.

Oh, and maybe draw them in some wet cement instead of wet sand.

Blink and It's Gone

February seemed to fly past me at a blinding pace. Last I looked I was just remarking that it was the end of January, and now I missed all of February. Whoops.

February is a crazy month in the world of youth ministry at my church, so that accounts for why I was MIA for the past 30 days. We take our teens on a three day retreat--aptly named Snow Camp--and the preparation is brutal for the the two weeks leading up to leaving. Every year we say we are going to start earlier and every year, we never do. This year, our theme was the Hunger Games. It was pretty freaking epic. Our speaker, Brock, talked about how to Overcome things in our lives and the games and activities were District centered and it was a blast. But the decorations were pretty killer (if I do say so myself) and it took many long hours of breathing in black sharpie and spray paint before we were done.

 My personal baby of the whole thing is always the Prayer Room. This year, I stepped it up a notch and spent every spare moment I had researching other ministries, Pinterest (I'm not ashamed!!), and creating 5 stations that would be powerful for this group of teens specifically. I spent time praying over each station, praying over each person who would enter the room, praying over each and every burden the teens would carry in there with them. It has been a long three weeks of preparing, and praying, and crafting (LOVE IT) and as I set up the room on Friday afternoon before the kids arrived, I couldn't help but feel like God was going to do big things in the room...not because of me, mind you....but because of the way He has been guiding these teens' hearts to Him for months now and this weekend was the time where they were going to have to finally decide what they were going to do with His presence in their lives. It was an amazing feeling to know that God was ready to move...I just had to be ready to respond to it.

And He did. Hearts were broken, wills were shattered, lines were drawn, and decisions were made. Tears and laughter, heartache and joy, restoration and forgiveness...God was there. But here's the problem. It's over. I had to go into the prayer room on Sunday and take everything down. As my friend Andy and I took everything down, we talked about our debrief groups and how we felt everything went, but part of my heart was really sad knowing that everything was over. Andy and my best friend Lexi (who both came up to be leaders this weekend) will go back to college, the teens will be back in school, I will be back nannying with my kiddos, and we will only interact a few times a week. And this amazing weekend of focusing on God and our relationships with each other is over. It's a bittersweet thing to come down off the mountaintop isn't it? Because the moment I got home, everything became real again and my room was still a mess, and work was still work, and there was still drama to deal with and time didn't slow down or stop for me to dwell in the victory of this God-moment.

Blink and the moment is gone.

The beauty of God-moments, however, is that they can be multiplied a thousand-fold. We can have God-moments anytime, anywhere. By yourself, with friends, alone in a crowd, God will always show up. That's what made this weekend so wonderful for me...because I knew God would be there for some of my teens who have never experienced Him before. And once you taste a God-moment, it becomes easier to sacrifice everything else in your life for Him. Because He is worth all of it. The reward is great...far beyond what we can comprehend or imagine...but again, more on that later!

One Hour

One hour.

60 minutes.

The clock will strike midnight. The calendar will flip from January 28th to January 29th, and I will officially be 25 years old.

One hour. That's all I have left of my 24th year of life. I will never be 24 again, I will never have this time back, I will never be able to say that I am in my early 20's again.

In one hour, I will be a quarter of a century. I will be closer to 30 than I am to 20. I will be classified as mid-20's. I will once again be the same age as my sister for a month (we are Irish twins...born within a year of each other--10 months, 3 weeks to be exact.)

In one hour, I will be 25--the age that Queen Elizabeth was when she took the throne of England. The age that Orson Welles coscripted, directed, and starred in Citizen Kane. Roger Bannister broke the four minute mile. Charlie Chaplin had appeared in 35 films.

Isn't that crazy? Just one hour. And I will be 25.

I haven't done anything nearly as impressive or noteworthy as the Queen, Welles, Bannister, or Chaplin (or any of the hundreds of other amazingly successful 25 year old's I could have talked about)...in fact, my life is below average in many cases. My job is unremarkable to a lot of people, even though I enjoy it. I am still living at home, even though most people would call me a loser-I am debt free, so really--it's worth it. I'm not married, so I'll probably wind up being a crazy cat lady at this point. And I spend most of my time reading, doing puzzles, painting, or watching movies--so I don't really have a social life outside of the teenagers in my youth group.

But even though all of those things are true of my life, I have to admit to you something. I have a suspicion that while turning 25 isn't going to change much about who I am or my position in life, it is going to be a year that will be exciting and full of new discovery about God and who He wants me to be and what He wants me to do with my life. I can't figure it all out in one hour, but maybe, just maybe, a year from now, I'll have a better idea of what God is going to do with me for the next 25 years.

One hour. What are you going to do with it?

Ambiguous Forgiveness

    There are some ideas in life that are very hard to define or describe. There are a few that are silly and make me laugh. For instance, I laugh when I think about how the boys I nanny for asked me this past summer when we were in their pool why girls had to shave their legs and boys didn't have to even though everyone has hair on their legs. Trying to explain to a nine- and seven- year old the concept of vanity and societal expectations was just a mess that I wound up having to defuse the situation by just surrendering and giving them popsicles. I had to give up trying to explain and use the old, "That's just the way it is, boys" and move on with our day.

     Then there are much more substantial ideas in life that are fundamental to every person's life, every religion, every facet of society, and yet--I can't even begin to explain it or describe even a portion of what's involved in it. Things like heartache, happiness, finding purpose. What hurts one person doesn't matter to another, what makes someone happy is insane to someone else, and who can judge purpose? These ideas really bother me when I stop to think about them on the grand scheme of life, so I try not to do that very often. But one thing that it truly unavoidable, especially since I work in youth ministry and I am a follower of Jesus Christ, is the idea of forgiveness.

    I am not going to lie--I googled it. I looked up forgiveness in Islam, Buddhism, Hindi, and even a 7 step guide on how to forgive. And in sticking with the not-lying thing...I still couldn't articulate a very good definition or explanation of what forgiveness truly means. Is it a feeling? An action? A state of mind? All three? How can I break down what it means to be forgiven? I know we've all heard the word before, we all understand that we need to be forgiven from the bad things we've done and we need to forgive the people in our lives that have hurt us, but it's such an ambiguous term isn't it?

    If you are looking for me to suddenly have a neat little paragraph here that will shock and awe you with my knowledge of the idea of forgiveness and all your questions about forgiveness will go away never to return, I hate to break it to ya, but I am just not going to have that for you today. I am going to do my best to let you in on the inner workings of my mind when it comes to forgiveness, so maybe you can start understanding what the idea is all about.

     Forgiveness is the act of releasing someone of blame for the mistakes, real or perceived, done to you by actively allowing your thoughts towards the person to no longer hold that blame against them. (Please note that this is my own personal definition of the word...)  The only things I know about forgiveness come from Scripture, because when I've seen people "forgive" me or others in the real world it usually just means they are bitter and are still very much holding a grudge against the other person and the relationship is almost always completely severed. (for serious issues. Not for silly things. I've done silly things like drop 14 year olds' birthday cakes at camp and I've been forgiven...although I still haven't forgiven myself for that one....I am still sorry Lauren!!!)  Severed relationships are not forgiveness. Forgiveness is so much more than a "Hey sorry dude." "Yeah whatever" with an ignored situation that is eventually forgotten. Forgiveness is mending relationships, having difficult conversations, it is weeping over hurt feelings and allowing those feelings to no longer control your thoughts. Here's some of what the Bible has to say about forgiveness:

If You, Lord, kept a record of sins,
    Lord, who could stand? 
 But with You there is forgiveness,
    so that we can, with reverence, serve You.

 I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
    and in His Word I put my hope.  --Psalm 130:3-5

 But the one whom God raised from the dead [Jesus] did not see decay. Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.  Through Him everyone who believes is set free from every sin, a justification you were not able to obtain under the law of Moses. --Acts 13:37-39


In fact, the law requires that nearly everything be cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness. --Hebrews 9:22 [Jesus shed His blood so we could be forgiven]


If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make Him out to be a liar and His Word is not in us. --1 John 1:8-10

     I could go on and on...in fact, I didn't even post the many, many verses of Jesus preaching forgiveness and telling us to forgive one another so we may be forgiven. He talks about how forgiving little means we love little...so forgiveness and love go hand in hand. He talks about how God forgives us so much so how could we not forgive the little (or big. I'm not going to downplay that some of us have had some really awful things happen in our lives. There are people who have done horrible things and are not sorry about it, and forgiving them is the hardest part about following Christ...obeying even when it hurts) misdeeds done against us by the people around us? I want to leave you with this thought...the idea is so huge because forgiveness is not easy. It is not easy to let go of hurt and pain that others have caused us or that we have caused ourselves, but the Lord has commanded us over and over again to forgive others so the Father may forgive us...and when we look at the cross, how could we not? Who are we to deny others forgiveness when Jesus paid such a high price to grant us our own forgiveness? God holds no blame towards us once we repent from our sin and walk away from it. I know that seems crazy since we are SO quick to hold grudges, but His mercy is overwhelming. You were worth the cross. Accept His forgiveness and be willing to give yours out to the people in your life that need to have it.

Let's stir up the pot shall we?

      Why not start 2013 with a controversial topic? An uncomfortable one for most people for a multitude of reasons. Some people, because they struggle with it and feel shame, others because they are judgmental towards those who do struggle with it and heap condemnation onto them. Consider this as your warning to stop reading if you are going to be uncomfortable with the topic and would rather not be a part of the conversation. But again, as with my 12% post, I will be tactful, gracious, and honoring to God in the way I approach this delicate subject. Ready?

Pornography.

     WHAT?! GASP!

     Here we go. Let me first define what I mean when I am talking about Pornography. I mean the act of going on the Internet/watching a movie/looking at a magazine that is sexually explicit for the purpose of sexual gratification (read: masturbation). I know, these terms seem so brutal because the Church does an excellent job of NEVER talking about it and either pretending it doesn't exist or waiting until a person is caught or confesses to deal with it. And that's what I want to talk about.

     If you are a parent reading this, I hate to break it to you, but your child has already been exposed to porn. Studies have shown that by the age of 11, most children have already seen it either at home or at someone a friend's house. That is unbelievably heartbreaking. Here are some statistics you can take a look at for yourself if you are wondering about the secular studies done in the past few years. Porn Statistics

   I've read a number of books, both secular and Christian, about the effects of pornography on our culture, what it means for our teenagers, and what it means to the Church. I started to look into the subject when I was in college and I started to find out that there were a LOT of people who "struggled with porn." (That is to say that they are addicted to porn. Just like an addiction to alcohol or drugs, they can't stay away from it. But we say "struggled" instead of "addicted" for some reason...maybe that's our first problem? Hmm...) I didn't understand how something like pornography could be such a draw for these people who were otherwise amazing Christians, until I started understanding that there really is an addictive quality to the actual behavior. I've read a number of articles outlining the neurological processes involved and how your brain can truly become almost numbed.

   But here's the real issue (and I'm now going to talk to you...yes you. The person reading this blog post who is struggling with porn. I know you keep finding yourself back in the same place over and over again, so I want you to listen very closely okay? It's going to get brutal, but it's going to get better. Deep breath.): dependence on porn is spitting in the face of God. There are so many levels of the behavior that breaks God's heart. He loves you so much and to watch you destroy your innocence the way you have has caused Him so much pain. "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." (1 Cor. 6: 18-20) You are meant for so much more than the temporary pleasures that porn can provide for you. Don't you see that God has designed you with passions and desires for something better than to be spent in front of a computer?

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified [Set Apart]: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit. (1 Thess 4: 3-8)

     You are worth waiting for. Let me say that again. YOU ARE WORTH WAITING FOR. I know you don't believe it, and I know it's easier to give into the desires you have now, but someday, you will have a husband/wife and I will tell you that this addiction won't go away once you are married...just like a drug addicts doesn't go away and an alcoholic's addiction doesn't, your addiction will still be a part of you. And then you will be hurting more than yourself, more than your God who loves you and died for you...you will be hurting your spouse. And pornography is never enough. It changes your behavior and attitude toward sex. Sex is something beautiful that God designed. We are created to have these passions and desires, but to pervert them with our lust and greed is something that YOU have to choose to stop in your own life.

I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman. -Job 31:1

Do not lust in your heart after her beauty
    or let her captivate you with her eyes.

For a prostitute can be had for a loaf of bread,
    but another man’s wife preys on your very life

  Can a man scoop fire into his lap
    without his clothes being burned?

Can a man walk on hot coals
    without his feet being scorched? -Proverbs 6: 25-28

 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. --Matthew 5:27-28

   Jesus is very clear. Looking at a woman lustfully is adultery. Pornography is adultery. That is clear. So you cannot keep living as if you are unaware of the severity of the sin you are in. But we serve a forgiving and loving God. One who redeems, who cleanses, who grants mercy when we fail. I am going to post more about this glorious forgiveness soon. For now, parents, don't be afraid to talk to your teens about sex and pornography. Teens, if you are currently struggling with pornography, it is not enough to just resolve to stop. You have to make a plan of action. XXXchurch is a great resource for more information on how to set up Internet filters, it has articles to read, information on how to end your addiction and how to talk to your parents about it. You know I'm always here for you too. The reward is great. It will just take some time to get there.